A long and quiet walk can do so much cleansing. Feeling the air on your skin, listening to the sounds of the cars. No one wants your attention. Just one fleeting moment after another. It was the first time that I was by myself outside my home, in the last 40 days. It felt strange. And yet calming.
A few lyrical thoughts also passed my mind. I’ve been feeling very dry inside. Lately I have been writing to release, but not to create. It’s been bothering me. I have not created since this year started. It’s been one of those dry years.
Truth is that I am struggling again. It is not a pleasant phase. It drains my energy and makes me crabby and susceptible to my negative spirals. In a happy hour I was asked my happiest moment at work in last five years. And I couldn’t come up with anything. Not one happy moment stood out. How can that be?! I am thankful for a lot of moments. But happiness is quite different. I have felt proud of my team. I have felt thankful for the outcomes of various challenging situations. I have felt gratitude too. But happiness is different. You know it when you are happy. Happiness is when I am with Tara and we are reading together. As she uses phonetics to read each word, I feel my heart tugging at the attempt she is making to put together all the dots to connect the puzzle. It makes me happy. She is a good learner who likes a good challenge.
I am at a cross road (again)! And I will keep pushing myself towards these cross roads until I find home. It is true that I have not found home in five years. Home is my happy place. Which also explains why I have not had any happy moments that I could share with the team last week. I’m still on my way home. And I don’t know how many more cross roads I need to deal with.