यह जो २४ घंटे मैंने घर पे बिताए

माँ का आँगन, सुबह की चाय

एक प्यारी सी नींद और

चुपके से दो चार आसूँ भी बहाए

माँ के कुछ परदे खूँटी पर लगाए

कुछ देर टी॰वी॰ देखा

कुछ ख़रीदारी की और गोभी के पराँठे दबाए

और दोपहर में ख़ूब सारी बातें की और फिर नींद के ठोंके लगाए

कुछ तस्वीरें दिखाई और तारा के बड़े सारे क़िस्से सुनाये

माँ की तबियत का हाल पूछा

और बस इतने में ही २४ घण्टे ख़त्म होने को आयें

और फिर चल दी समेट कर माँ की प्यारी दुआएँ

मेरी माँ अकेले रहती है

सुबह की चाय से लेके रात की दवाई तक

सब कुछ अकेले सहती है

मेरी माँ अकेले रहती है

आज सुबह चाय बनाने जब उसकी रसोई में गयी

तो उसके अकेलापन का एहसास पहली बार हुआ

नौ साल हो गए हैं पापा को गुज़रे

और उसकी रसोई में बर्तनों की कमी का एहसास आज ज़ार हुआ

देखने में तो सब कुछ है लेकिन

आज इस रसोई में रौनक़ नहीं हैं

किसी के आने का इन्तज़ार नहीं और

किसी के जाने की जल्दी नहीं है

धीरे धीरे सारे काम करती रहती है

किसी से कुछ नहीं माँगती

किसी को कुछ ना कहती है

मेरी माँ अकेले रहती है

सुबह की चाय से लेके रात की दवाई तक

सब कुछ अकेले सहती है

मेरी माँ अकेले रहती है

यह घड़ियों की आवाज़ कुछ ऐसे गूँजती है जैसे

हर पल को एक नाम देने की कोशिश कर रहा है कोई

क्यूँ बाँटा है समय को इन छोटे छोटे हिस्सों में ?

ऐसा लगता है हर साँस का क़र्ज़ उतारता है कोई।

To feel so loved, and yet so worthless at the same time

To be so frail and yet to keep your sunshine

To lose and yet smile and keep going on

And wait for yet another promising dawn

To be righteous and yet doubt your self-worth

To feel like a system’s neglected dirt

To hide and share and hate and care all at the same time

To be exhausted and yet appear to be just fine

Wish you a very happy birthday, Papa! May your spirit always be joyful, charismatic, and kind. Just like you were. 73 sounds so old. In a way I am glad my memory of you froze while you were still 64. To see my man in old age would have been hard for me.

How selfish is this human soul? Even after losing him, I am more worried about my discomfort if he had lived to be 73. If he had lived to be 73, he would have heard his grand daughter sing a birthday song for him. We just assumed Nanu was around and we sung for him.

This morning after getting Tara’s breakfast ready I stole a few moments from my usually chaotic morning to drink the day’s first coffee on the deck. I enjoyed the sunrise and the first warm rays of the sun that hit the deck. Soon the light filled the sky. And suddenly my world lost its color.

The birds kept on singing

Even the breeze brushed my cheeks

But the world suddenly lost its color

Or has it been this way since a few weeks?

As the light filtered through the leaves

The contrast blinded my sight

As if the sun was showing me its core

Proving to me its might

Sometimes this light can help you

To illuminate the darkest corners of your soul

And sometimes it can burn you

Consuming you as a whole

I am but a work in progress

I claim no glory nor defeat

The sun has made its presence felt

I must not surrender to this heat

I will live to see the color return

Of this I am quite sure

There will be another coffee on the deck

And the sky will be azure

Good things first – We celebrated the third annual picnic with our loving learning link families today. It is really a fellow mom-friend’s idea. But I tag along and do what is needed to make these lovely people come together and enjoy the shade of Rengstorff Park. The kids play free, and the parents take care of each other’s kids, while enjoying well deserved breaks in between. The teachers are taken care of, and the grand parents join in and share their love with hoards of kids. It’s a very joyful event and I particularly love watching the kids grow up over the years. Tara had a wonderful time and so did we.

It is so deeply satisfying to hear other parents tell me about Tara’s influence on their kids, and I share the same. Adam taught Tara how to eat peppers and broccoli, and Tara teaches him how to be brave and gregarious. Tara also was a mentor to the little one year old Rhea, and she still hugs Ahir’s Mom when she sees her pick him up from school. Also Noah is most social and least shy when Tara is around, and she teaches Mila and Alba how to jump from high benches, without fear. It is so endearing to hear these stories. I can’t believe they are talking about my Tara 😀

I usually shy away from dropping Tara off in the morning since I get super hooked to the lovely little humans in class. But sometimes I pick her up early and spend time with her friends in the school playground. I have not done enough of that lately 😦 So I was particularly looking forward to connecting with her gang from school. I got my full today.

Next good thing is that India won a nail biting match against Afghanistan. I had totally underestimated their capability. In fact I was not even going to watch the match. But when I checked the target India had set for Afghanistan to chase, I was tempted to jump in and dropped all my plans for the morning and was glued to the match. 😀 Once again, Agam could not care less about the match. But I kept him in the loop 😛

I met Dasha in Seattle on Monday evening. It is always so refreshing to meet her. We enjoyed a nice walk in downtown and then I walked back to my empty hotel room. Quite boring. But surprisingly relaxing. Sun sets really late in Seattle, so I was finding it very hard to sleep on time and accumulated a mega sleep deficit. Overall the trip was good. I was in SEA on Monday and KIR on Tuesday. Two very different offices, in more than one respect. The thrill on Tuesday was to race to the airport to make it for my flight. I got there 20min before take off. Phew, that has not happened in a while.

I spent a lot of time thinking about my team and my work on the flight back. My little black diary and little black pen came in handy 🙂 Maido has opened in Santana Row and sells OHTO pens and Mnemosyne notebooks. I am so happy to go back to my old school ways, after trying all sorts of note taking apps. My notebook and a pen, we are inseparable, again. Now I need to remember not to start scribbling on the last pages of my notebook 😉 On that note, Gulzar is coming to Bay Area for a poetry recital.

On to sad things – Last night we went to Palo Alto downtown, just to hangout by the fountain at Lyttton Plaza. Tara has lovely memories of getting soaked in that fountain and we love going back there and telling her all about it. She is taller now so the risk of being soaked is little. She enjoyed the fountain and Agam and I criticized the open air bhajan session held by ISKCON at the plaza. I was a little disappointed. We don’t need to bring God to humans. We need humans to seek God within, in their actions and in their words. But who am I to rage that war? I was just sad that our fun Friday evening turned into a loud and noisy one.

M is retiring. I saw it coming. We grabbed lunch on Wednesday. I didn’t want to talk to him about him leaving and nudged him to help me with my side project that I really must get going on. So I did not tell him how upset I am about not having anyone anymore to run to when I have my “wait, I have a question?” moment. I have lost two mentors at work in one month. It is sad. But I know I can reach out to them whenever I want. I just don’t have them on ping. And especially with M, I cannot just run down to the 2nd floor anymore and draw him out of whatever he is doing, and make him hear me out. I learnt so much from him. Humility is a skill I am learning, thanks to him.

One day everyone leaves. That’s just how this cycle works. I know this. Yet, I stay vulnerable to it. Some day I will give in to this truth. That day, I will learn that it is not about what I got from you in the moments that I will miss. But what we created together, and how it grew both of us in ways we did not know then, but I will know and feel, and experience, in your absence moving forward.

Looking at the little kids playing in the park today I felt a sudden calm. And I scribbled something in my notebook –

I cannot hold your stare long enough; you look so deep and even beyond

Unnerved, calm, giving, and with my consent, you shake up my world

I sit there helpless, and a little restless, hoping those tranquil eyes will drift me ashore

And then I look within, deep within, and I find the anchor that you had left there, last time we talked.

Wrapped up in a thin white cotton sheet, she is looking at her sun, feeling the warmth of his eyes. They have kept her warm this winter. In that moment she is not silly, not stupid, not ugly and neither is she a mess. She is herself. There is nothing in between them. Just a passage of unsaid words and deeply satisfying glances hangs in thin air.

Sometimes she catches herself out of line and corrects herself, only to see him smiling back at her. She looks deep into his eyes for a moment, he acknowledges her presence there, even welcomes her in, but then she withdraws. She is afraid his eyes will break the code of silence.

She does not know what she has done to deserve this warmth. Her sun must also burn deep inside. Can she help? Perhaps she can share her winter with him…