But another reason I am not writing is because I am just very annoyed with the way things are around me. Not at a personal level. But at a larger scale. I am seeking solace and peace in my little family and our close friends. I don’t feel like commenting on what’s happening around me. There is just so much nonsense all around that I am choosing to just ignore it. And live selfish for a while.

But just like everything else, I need to write it down to get it out of my system and cleanse. So I will do that and I am not looking for any commentary or rebuttals. I have my views and I am sharing them. No one needs to agree with it.

• It’s too loud lately. Everyone is busy announcing something. As if we have all become official broadcasters. Can we be more silent? Me included.
• This rat race is crazy. Why is everyone playing? Why can we not just “not play” for a while and  sit it out? 
• Why are people not happy to see other people happy? 
• Why are we always up leveling ourselves in conversations? 
• Why am I not doing things I love and doing that only pay my mortgage? 
• Why am I not writing?
• Why is this world so rotten with politics?
• Why are people in Kabul dying?
• Why is everyone so busy being busy?
• Why do people lie?
• Why are people scared of sharing what they really feel?
• What am I doing with my life. I will be 40 in 6 years! 6 years ago I was traveling the world.
• Why are people who can really make a difference, not doing something about it.
• Why do we troll?
• Why do we judge?
• What the fuck is wrong with Donald Trump?
• Why do people like to see others fail?
• Why do people spend their entire life doing things they don’t love? If most of us are doing jobs we’d rather not do, that’s a huge productivity deficit that we will need to deal with soon.

Many of my friends, relatives, and peers  often read snippets from my life and tell me that I should write. I should write a cookbook, a mommy book, a children’s book, a book about my father, and maybe another one about my observations from the streets. And I smile, like their comment, and hide behind a truth that I have known for almost 25 years. I am lazy.

I have a lot of ideas. But I don’t put them into action. The only ideas that I put into action with all my fervor and passion are those related to cooking. Cooking is the only thing I have pursued with all my love for the past ten years. I have also been writing for the same length, but my writing ideas never bear any fruit. And the reason for that is the cooking is a quick reward game. But writing is not. Writing is a laborious game. You write, edit, pitch, fail, and start again, until you find an editor interested in your work.

Cooking gives me instant rewards. A yummy lamb chop curry that I imagined on Friday, and put into works over the weekend, was gobbled up in a day. Agam’s appreciation – instant. My gratification – instant. I have no dependencies. It is a self-sustained ecosystem. Writing is not like that. It needs more time and more commitment. And I have always just given up on my writing goals since I am lazy.

Additionally, I suffer from a major impostor’s syndrome when it comes to writing. And somehow that is not the case with cooking. I actually have enough confidence in my cooking skills that I can compete for Master Chef competitions if I find the time to train. But even writing for Nanowrimo becomes a challenge for me. I take too much time wondering if my content is worth it. The ‘it’ here being the reader’s time. Murakami’s words make me “feel” every emotion his characters feel. My words don’t make me “feel”, let alone make others feel.

But I don’t give up completely. I keep writing these blog posts. And for me, they are enough. Maybe I am selling myself short. Maybe I am full of myself. I don’t know which one it is. But I know, and I confess that I am lazy. And that is the only thing between me and the first draft of my first book.

Let me share some facts here

• I access over 90% of my digital content via Facebook. The remaining 10% are split between Flipboard, Pinterest, and NYTimes.
• I enjoy being connected with people via Facebook.
• I refuse to be a lurker on Facebook. If you have the keen interest in knowing what’s going on in someone’s life, have the audacity to at least share it with them.
• I think FB has started to take more time than I want to give it. Of course, it is all in one’s own control. But if it really was, I won’t be writing this post.
• I love the content diversity that FB provides. Based on my activity till date, the app has successfully captured my interest in using it as a primary mechanism to consume digital content. 

As we watched the sunset tonight, a myriad of thoughts crowded my mind. Some are worth sharing, so here I go.

I have been chasing sunsets for well over eight years now and in my experience a clear day ends in the most boring sunset. On the other hand, a few scattered clouds in the sky lead to a more enjoyable sunset. Those are the days when rays from the dipping sun reflect against the clouds and paint beautiful patterns in the sky. And those are my favorite kind of sunsets.

Just like sunsets, our lives also derive a lot of color and meaning from the few dark clouds that pass us by from time to time. Each dark experience helps us reflect on a side of life that we might have ignored. Each stumble helps us become more aware of the path we are on, and prepares us better for the journey ahead.

I often hear phrases like, “but why me?”, and not so long ago I also felt that way at times. But with each sunset we become wiser. And my new found wisdom tells me that I was chosen for the dark experience, either because I am extremely capable of handling it, or because there is something I need to learn from it, which will help me prepare for a better future. Just like the clouds that lead to a better sunset.

So next time you think you have hit a wet patch of rain or may be some dark clouds, remember that a fabulous sunset is just around the corner.

Another thought that slowly bubbled up as we drove past Ocean Beach this evening was that not everyone enjoys sunsets for the same reason. Some like to see the ball of fire take a dip into the ocean, and some like to see the aftermath of that dip. I like both. It’s not just about the action that you take, but also about the impact it has.

Everyone knows I love bullet points. So here I go again.

• I am thankful for the joy that I experience in the form of Tara every single day.
• The smiles that she evokes in us and the feeling of love, benevolence, affection, gratitude and warmth that she inspires in me.
• I am thankful to my family who came from far and wide to share Tara’s joy with us.
• To my friends who stood by me when I needed them and kept checking in, no matter how unreachable I was most of this year.
• I am so so so thankful to Tara’s teachers. They are our extended family. I cannot imagine a better care facility for Tara than Learning Links.
• I am also very thankful to Google for giving me a work place where I could pump milk for Tara twice a day for several months. For giving me a job that allows me to be close to her. For the flexibility it lends me to make time for Tara’s appointments. For the food that it provides that nourishes all three of us. For the compensation and benefits that allows us to continue living in MTV. And the opportunity it provided me to experience scale like never seen before.
• A big thanks to the fellow mommies who helped me with my silly questions at all sort of ungodly hours.
• And for the technology, innovation and entrepreneurship that blossoms in this valley. It is because of this that I kept the house running, sitting in a rocking chair from Dec’14 – March’15. The Instacart, Amazon Prime, Google Shopping and of course DoorDash.
• I am thankful for the amazing partner I picked for myself. We make a stellar team and I won’t even be modest about it. He keeps us sane at all times.
• And in the end..I am thankful to myself. For growing up when it was time and learn that my life will never be the same, for good. I am not in denial of what will happen to my career in the next few years. And I will leverage that cognizance to make it worthwhile whenever I can.