2020 – A recap

Goa – January 1, 2020

In hindsight COVID was not the reason 2020 was harsh. It was a melange of a lot of personal, professional and global turmoil.

It was tragic to see the world perish under its threat. But I believe in human resilience. And I know we will rebound quickly! It won’t be in 2021, but by Spring 2022, COVID will be a thing of the past.

Here’s a summary of how I will remember 2020. 

Highlights –

  • Family
    • Our 3G (3 generation) Goa trip with both families was the best thing about 2020.
    • Post march, unlimited time with my little family.
    • Our friends and family were safe from the virus all through this time. A few extended family members that did get it, also recovered and are now doing better.
  • Tara
    • Tara started school – and despite all odds, the school opened in October for voluntary on campus classes. We took the risk, and decided she needed the school more than anything else.
    • Tara learnt how to ride a bike in just a spur of the moment. She also started riding the scooter with equal ease. She began to read, and write, and draw very creatively. She spent a lot of time with magnetic tiles, and legos and I was finally satisfied with the balance in her outdoor and indoor activities.
    • We actually enjoyed July-August immensely. My mind started to clear up, health resumed, and we enjoyed California beaches every other weekend. We discovered so many gems like Loch Lomond and in general the Boulder Creek area and spent a good chunk of summer – outdoors!
  • Cooking
    • I learnt so many new recipes – rasgullas, moong dal halwa, and dosa batter, being the biggest highlights. I recovered a few recipes from my childhood, like the cabbage slaw sandwich that became good comfort foods. I traded recipes with a lot of friends – sometimes teaching, and sometimes learning. We added a lot of one pot meals to our portfolio – like spinach and corn rice, and risottos.
    • We made all our Diwali mithai at home this year. I also picked six families, and delivered them homemade Diwali sweet. Tara loved it. She cannot wait for next Diwali!
    • We made a Thanksgiving feast and enjoyed it with friends. It was an ambitious task to make ~12 dishes, but it was something I had never done before. Gluten Free gravy, mashed potatoes, chicken, and cranberry sauce. Yummy!
    • We enjoyed ~40 bottles of wine and 2 bottles of Whiskey this year. Yep, that’s what Instacart tells me. I am not complaining.
  • Self
    • Learned to prioritize my health.
    • Enjoyed a dozen books, or something like that. I didn’t have long stretches to read, like one gets during vacations. But there was time in the evenings. I really loved And Then, Radical Candor, and the latest – Alchemy of Us.
    • I started writing Haikus. I have a good 50+ in the books already.
    • I started Unsaid Untold, and then soon decided to take it private. I don’t know why someone would want to read about my father’s life. But I need to write it. So I still do, just privately.
  • Work
    • I took a wonderful course from Tracy Wilk on High Performance Leadership. No one will invest in me, but myself. So I took a class outside of work, over Zoom, and learnt a ton. Including things like I am self reflective, but not always self aware.
    • I serendipitously found a team where I feel like I have room for impact, and execution, along with autonomy and camaraderie of like minded people. Also equally unexpectedly I found a manager who is as human as I am. Being around him makes me want to be thorough and sharp, but not perfect. I have a lot to learn from him, but the relationship is mutual, and hence stronger. I filled a gap for his leadership team and that is acknowledged, not just by him, but my peers. I see a path ahead of me, and I have at least verbal support to build on that path.
    • I learnt five things about myself
      • I need autonomy to thrive.
      • I am a pace setter.
      • I am quick to eliminate clutter
      • I lead with my strengths, but I am equally driven by my quest to overcome my weaknesses.
      • I have high expectations of what people are capable of being. I give them a lot of benefit of doubt with a hope that they will latch on to that leash, and become better. But sometimes that leash becomes toxic, and I am the one who has to cut my losses. I need to learn to tame my expectations if I don’t want to get hurt as often as I do.
  • Agam
    • Agam and I shared several lunches, walks and engaging talks together. The pandemic reminded us why we are good together. A machinery that works with very little friction. And companions who will listen, guide, probe and scold, but then set free to the beat of our own drums.
    • Agam switched jobs as well this year. We go through these cycles together. It’s more fun that way! [NO that was a joke]


  • After a decade, Christina and Carlos wrapped up their service and we were lucky to find Gloria. We miss our friends, but I am glad they are going further in their lives and have decided to stop cleaning multiple households.
  • Since Goa, we had just one trip outside of Mountain View to Capitola over a long weekend. That was travel for 2020!
  • I had a particularly stressful phase at work in the first half of the year. It was unwarranted. For the first time in my professional life of 15 years I experienced physical and mental stress. The symptoms stressed me out beyond my own expectations. I have witnessed my mother through an angina attack, and this felt similar, just a prolonged one. Whether it was a combined effect of COVID WFH along with a toxic environment, or just a pronounced case of either. I don’t know. But what I know is that I had to turn that ship around and I did by eliminating stress from my environment. It meant that I had to quit a role I enjoyed, and go find something where I could thrive on my own terms. I lived my darkest months of professional life from April to July this year. No one should experience the delusional few weeks that I experienced. They taught me a lot. But they drained me, and left me so brittle for many months.
  • Some of our friends moved to San Diego and Seattle , and some moved back home, to Germany. We could not even say a proper goodbye.
  • A close friend, in a short span of time lost his mother and his child. I saw him carry the weight of these losses along with a challenging environment at work. And although I could not materially help in any way. I was there to hear him. He needed to be heard. I know hugs would have helped more. But I had no means to give. A listening ear is all I could offer.
  • I missed white boards and people. There were so many moments at work where I just could not make myself heard, or get my points across, or I lost my patience since there are no words that can replace the gap of silence that indicates what was to be indicated. I struggled with the bobbing heads on GVC. When people say they got used to WFH, I stay silent. I did not. And I don’t want to either. I would rather switch professions than to get accustomed to this stale and vegetative state of “meetings” that we now experience.
  • I cannot do intermittent fasting. Ok let me be fair. I cannot do IF on weekends. It doesn’t work for me.
  • We did not go home for Christmas this year 😦 Santa came for Tara, but I was not there to play Santa for my nieces. There were no Bira’s on the terrace in the sun. Nor any picnics with the extended family.

2019 – a recap

Let’s do the usual.. Things that went well and those that didn’t. Starting with those that did not go so well –


Tara was diagnosed with celiac after five months of tormenting diagnosis. The blood draws, the endoscopy, the ambiguity with each specialist that we met during the course of diagnosis. It was all very new for Agam and me. And of course extremely traumatizing for little Tara. We were told that she is likely the youngest kid to be diagnosed with Celiac. 


We had to cancel our well planned and much awaited trip to Greece with Amma and Papa. It was so disheartening and exhausting to cancel all bookings and incur the losses that came with it. But most disheartening was that I could not keep my promise to celebrate Amma’s PhD how we had planned to. Quite a disaster.

A tryst with life and death and in between – 

I lost a cousin. My eldest cousin who carried me on his shoulders when I was a lil kid. I still can’t believe he is no more. A half lived life. A grieving mother. 

A few months after that I witnessed an almost hit and run accident. I saw a human body tossed in the air, and land a few inches away from my feet. His blood on my shoes. It all worked out in the end. Paramedics arrived on time, and a police case was registered. But these two incidents stirred me. 

I still shiver when I walk by the intersection where the accident happened. And I will never forget the day when we drove to Half Moon Bay since I was feeling a little low, and as soon as we arrived, my Mom called to tell me that my cousin had passed away. No one had told me anything about his illness and the fact that he was in the hospital. I could not tell if I was cold with the news or the chill in the air at the beach. 

We witnessed a friend go through the pain of losing a parent to cancer. Things you read in books actually came true. I ended up arranging for the funeral and got a first hand experience of facing death and departure. It was tormenting. But it also offered a closure on my own half lived experiences. I was offered this opportunity and I am thankful for it. But it was so disheartening to see my friend struggle with the expenses associated with medical treatments in the US, while dealing with the grief of losing her mother to cancer. 

I sucked at prioritizing myself –

I dropped out from my daily walks in summer and was unable to get back to them for a variety of reasons. That meant that my ‘simple to follow’ health regime failed and I fell off the wagon. Walks make me happy. I failed to prioritize my happiness.

Tara got her celiac from me. But I refuse to go through the diagnosis. I have severely reduced my gluten intake. But that’s about it. I don’t have the energy to go through the cycles of diagnosis. I suck at prioritizing my own health. And this year was no different.

There were a few upheavals on the work front too –

I went through some major challenges at work with respect to org transfers. Something that should have been bureaucratic paperwork turned into a project that consumed energy and patience of multiple people involved. I wish the whole process had been easier on everyone. More than my time and morale, I was very troubled by the time my leadership had to spend on this issue. For once in my life I became the “problem child”. A phrase borrowed from my class teacher in middle school. She used to always tell my father, “Mr Khullar, you don’t need to come to PTAs. Your daughter is not a problem child.”

I experienced dissonance between how I operate and how my team perceives me. Some of it was us just getting used to each other’s styles. But it was a difficult phase for me as a manager to operate in an environment where I was not sure what to trust and how to proceed. I thrive on trust, and for a whole quarter, I experienced something I had not been exposed to ever in my professional life – lack of people’s trust in my intentions. It was a major professional blow. It was a first, and hence I probably took it more personally. It was quite a journey.

I struggled with the “what do I want to do with my career?” question a lot this year. I am in a strange place where the teams I work for see value in a certain skill set that I for some reason take for granted. And the skill that I thought I had is slowly rusting away. So I struggle with – “How do I add value currently?” vs “How do I want to add value in the long term?” I don’t think I got any clear answers. But I simplified my choices based on where I am in my personal life, the current team/environment I am in and boiling it down to whether I am driving impact today or not. The good news is that there is no near term crisis to solve. The bad news is I will slip if I don’t see a future in what I am doing. I need to see the next step in whatever I do. It encourages me. I don’t see a clear next step for myself, from where I stand today. And it is OK for me to not have that until I work for the team I am in, but this equilibrium is sustained by a few forces, and any movement in these forces can de-stabilize my situation rather quickly.

As a result of all that was going on at work I experienced a bout of impostor syndrome. I switched environments within Google. And this adjustment has been a little challenging. I was quite impatient with myself most of this year. I fortunately had a lot of patient people helping me along . I don’t think I could have survived it without their patience with my impatience.

I also experienced my first, mansplaining. Cannot believe I survived 36 years without having experienced it. I have a thick skin for things like that but I realized how that might not be the case for other women. Sigh! 

And now onto the happy stuff – 

Tara and I did some projects together, like Project Nemo – where we picked family pictures for our walls. It was a lot of work and lots of planning. We did a few other mini projects like engaging her in kitchen work, and encouraging her to help her friends and teachers in school. She and I also created some stories and poems together. Most of our projects were quite successful 🙂

Lots of time by the water. I LOVE the ocean. And I had my share of ocean time this year. With two Hawaii trips, and several beach trips to Santa Cruz, Dana Point, and Monterey I was a happy crab. Oh also on our Kauai trip we also saw the Milky Way studded in the sky. That was a major YAY!

I baked less, but cooked a lot. We did not have much help through the year, so I figured out newer ways to simplify dinners and Tara’s meals. We made a lot of bowls – Acai Bowls, Poke Bowls, Egg and veggie bowls that were a great way to eat a lot of nutrients in a fun way. And learning how to make acai and poke was simply splendid..!

I got a lot of very good advice this year. Across a spectrum of topics and from a diverse set of folks. To ask for help does not come naturally to me. But a lot of times this year I was in a situation where I didn’t know the answers and I leaned on my support system to guide me. It was so gratifying to get all the help I needed. And a lot of hugs too. Talking to people helps me clear my mind. It’s literally the best thing that happened to me at work this year. I spoke to a lot of people from different parts of Google and even outside Google. Rich conversations full of insights, guidance and feedback. 

Tara’s has a great sense of rhythm and she is quite lyrical in her conversation style. It is a joy to see this world from her lense. She appreciates the beauty in simple things. She seeks joy in being helpful to others. She is a good child. She is more like a friend than a daughter to me. I hope it stays that way.

More about Tara

Tara started hiking with us. She is such a champ. We did six real hikes with her and made some lovely memories on those hikes. Her record is 5.4miles. We want to do a lot more next year.

We started watching movies in a theater with Tara. We saw, Toy Story, Frozen, It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and Secret life of pets. It’s a lot of fun watching movies with her 😀

I went on an adrenaline packed trip to Delhi and Hyderabad for work and ended up spending 24 hours with Mom and attending the sixth day of Durga Puja. It was wonderful to get undiluted time with Mom. And the trip made me realize how I am capable of stretching myself across roles. It was a very insightful trip for both professional and personal reasons.

Despite how the year started, I turned the tide on perf and feedback from team. Lots more to do. And a lot more trust to be won. But at least I don’t feel insecure in my environment anymore. Impostor continues. I think that’s going to stay for a bit. I am still not certain about how to navigate the environment and if there is a road ahead for someone like me in an engineering organization. But for now, I definitely have a packed year ahead and I am looking forward to drive the projects I am undertaking, including ramping a team in India. 

I am not sure if this deserves a mention here, but I finally found what I thought I was joining Google for, now almost five years ago – a dose of idealistic leadership that I can observe and learn from. I was tired of seeing siloed, self-promoting leadership styles at Google. I wondered if I’d ever be led by someone I’d actually respect, and want to emulate. And my wish has finally been granted. It is very satisfying to work for someone who makes it easy for you to determine what is the next right thing to do. You can call it empowering. But it is a bit different than that. It’s more like, let’s operate from first principles, and see how far that goes. And if that doesn’t work then do the right thing and I’ve got your back. I had experienced this type of leadership a decade ago. I thrived in that environment. And I feel like I am thriving again. Well let’s not jinx it. 

Although, I have been blogging since 2005, this blog has been around since last 10 years. And I’ve been writing a recap for the year over the last ten years. Being consistent with my passion is definitely a Yay!!

Last but not the least I self published a short and flimsy collection of some sub standard and grammatically abhorrent poems. It was a birthday project for Tara, and I got the inspiration from my ex-manager. She likes to challenge me. D’uh knows me too well. But I am glad I put it out there. My next project is already in the works. I hope to publish it before Tara’s 10th birthday 😉

Overall this year, Agam and I faced a few storms, and raised Tara with a lot of love and effort. She will start school in 2020 and we know there is a lot of change ahead of us. As we try to manage our careers, spend time with our families, travel, take care of our health and that of our parents, and raise Tara, may we also find time to take care of ourselves, and each other. We need to take out some “we” time. We did better this year with a two nights when Tara was home with a sitter. But I think we need a little bit more.

Thankful for all that 2019 gave us, and waiting to kick off 2020 with a lot of enthusiasm and hope.
We leave for Delhi tomorrow for our annual pilgrimage. Cheers to happy times.

Happy Holidays! 

2018 – a recap

It’s almost time for the annual reflections. There is a lot that happened this year. A lot that I am thankful for, and a lot that I am just surprised at. We traveled a tiny bit more than planned. Both of us switched roles, and in Agam’s case, he left Google. I found hope and some promise in my humble attempt at understanding leadership. Tara grew up by leaps and bounds, and with her so did we. 

It is fair to say that this has been a swift year in passing. It started with our trip to India and Singapore, and will end with a trip to India.

Our travel highlights this year were a quick trip to San Diego to meet Kiaan, followed by a getaway to Monterey, followed by a long and fun trip to Australia. Then Dadu and Dadi came to visit and we went to Monterey with them again, followed by Maui on Labor Day, Seattle some time in October, and Cabo on Tara’s bday. In between I went to Boston for Jeeju’s graduation, New Orleans for a work summit, and Austin for a work trip. That’s a tad bit more than I like, so I am going to keep it light next year. I am dying to go back to Yosemite next Spring, and with Dadi completing her PhD in Spring, the much awaited trip to Greece is due as her reward. An annual pilgrimage to Hawaii and may be we keep it at just that for now. Of course we will wrap up with India in December. 

Health highlights – not much to note. Agam and I both did poorly on that front. I kicked off my walks this spring and continued through the summer. But the DST screwed up with my plans and winter has been harsh. I started a weekly strength training routine and that worked out fairly well. But it is not enough, and needs to be supplemented in 2019. I am so glad to have rekindled my love for walks though. It is like meditation. It is so hard to find time with just myself, but this year my morning routine allowed for more of me time.

Tara highlights are plenty. She is turning into a chatter box. Not sure what I was expecting. Her vocabulary and ability to frame complex sentences, and her natural style of oration is way beyond what I thought kids at this age possess. She finds joy in helping. She oscillates between a mellow kind kid to a fire cracker on a pretty regular basis. And I love that about her. It mirrors my own moods 😛 She enjoyed her music class this year with teacher D. Next year she will start an art class at CSMA.

Work front was just way too tumultuous. I grew the team, built a strong team culture, got us all grooving to the beat of moving forward, set some ambitious goals for the year, and then I went and gave myself away to an exciting unknown. I promise myself to never do that ever again. I don’t have the heart to leave what I build. I am still reconciling with my decision to leave a warm, strong, excelling team to go follow my lofty idealistic unknowns.

I am a fighter when it comes to making people do the right thing. I channelized my impatience, and righteousness to fight bureaucracy and yielded marginally productive results. I did not stay long enough on my old team to see it through, but I hired the right successor to take charge and continue the fight.

I learnt a lot about people, their incentives, their learning styles, intrinsic and extrinsic motivations, and coaching, this year. I tried hard to balance the heroic IC and the humble manager sides of me. I think I did OK. But I am sure there is scope for improvement. I did get a promotion. So that was nice too. But then again, I am just catching up to a trajectory I let go off when Tara was born. No regrets.

On the cooking front, I baked a lot less this year. We had several get togethers – the Spring Giving brunch, Holi lunch, summer party when Dadu and Dadi were here, and then Tara’s Bday + Holiday party. We met up with some friends after decades. The social scene was pretty heavy. And I’d like to slow that down a little in 2019. I need more “we” and “me” time next year. Work is bound to get more hectic and demanding, so I need to carve out time for Tara, Agam and myself.

I read more, but not enough. I like to keep some week nights for reading, and I had relatively less free week nights this year. By the time I hit the sack, I was so sleepy, and tired that I did not indulge in bed time reading as much. Need to work on my week night schedules. The problem with loving your work is that you start doing it as a hobby during any free time.

I wrote a lot. It was not as structured as I would have liked it to be. But something is better than nothing. Writing is my release. I don’t like to associate incentives with it, because it defeats the purpose. I prefer it to be a vocation. But it’s quite possible that I am convincing myself of this excuse when in reality I am just simply lazy. I did promise VC that I’d do it some day though. Perhaps that’s what retirement is for. I realized that I cannot store thoughts, I need to let them out. If I let them brew a little, I should be able to write some short stories. But I like to let them go, so they don’t occupy my mind. And that’s the challenge.

One can say that Rupi inspired me to be more lyrical this year. I went back to dabbling with hindi/urdu poetry. I feel embarrassed to even use the word poetry to describe my lyrical ramblings. Truth is that I find it very meditative to write in hindi/urdu. I recall the words, find their meanings, look for the right word, and weave it all together. It is an activity that completely disconnects me from my environment. As the time I have for myself shrinks, I need to find more activities where I can get the maximum return on my time. Writing in general, and writing poetry in particular are both great for that purpose.

In terms of giving, I found more ways to give this year. I am not going to list that here. But I felt like by giving in ways that I did, I received a lot back. So this cycle shall continue.

Here’s something that I will always remember 2018 for – a powerful passage in a book I read in a book shop in Seattle.


This year, I felt positively challenged in my pursuits. It was rewarding, gratifying, and ethereal in some respects. I learnt that good things happen to those who wait. That plans are just plans, life always takes over. And that finding myself is the only way to close the pot that has been open for a long time. I am the lid I am looking for.

We leave for India tomorrow. A happy home awaits us 🙂 See ya’ll in 2019!


Today I graduated from mediocrity, to excellence in my own eyes. ‘Medicore’ is a label my Dad bestowed on me when I failed to get through a decent engineering program at IIT. I wish he had instilled the fear of mediocrity in me a little early in life. If he had, I might have not disappointed him with my dismal results in JEE and DCE exams. I have lived with that monkey on my back for my entire adult life. Today, the monkey goes back to the jungle.

We all evaluate our life using different measures. I don’t chase money, titles, and the awards, but I chase impact, and appreciation of the people I work with. I feel very accomplished tonight. And I am not going to be modest about it.

Performance reviews become more and more meaningful as we grow up. They represent a pattern. They are also a good indicator of how others see you. It is a big component of self awareness. It is important to me that I am perceived exactly as I am. And as I read some of the reviews tonight, I did well. And with that achievement, I am graduating from mediocrity to excellence, in my own eyes.

I want to very concretely define what it is that am I excelling at. It is hard. I am told that I bring people together. But that cannot be enough. I resolve conflicts. That is also not enough. I inspire teams to move forward. That too is not enough for me. I need to know more specifically what am I excelling at, and what do I need to keep doing. Surprisingly, no performance review ever delivers that message. It can only be answered by self reflection.

I’ve thought about this, and as of tonight, and perhaps I am rushing it since I am very tired, I am excelling at growing a team, leading them with a strong vision, stretching them to be the best version of themselves, and bringing teams together for the common good of my employer. And for tonight, that’s enough. But I know that starting tomorrow, it won’t be enough. I need to find that one thing I can excel at, moving forward. The chase is on.

I like this chase. It helps me get better. May it continue. As long as it is me catching up with a better version of myself, I should be OK.




The world lost two statesmen in a week’s time – John McCain and Atal Bihari Vajpayee. Both of them were leaders first, and politicians second. They both led exemplary lives with a strong mission and acute focus on bipartisan leadership.  The world was unfair to both, and yet, in their leadership, we found inspiration. May their souls rest in peace.

In other news, Tara got her first “real” bike this weekend. An within moments of getting it, she had her first “real” fall. Yep! Irresponsible parents were so busy celebrating, and recording a video of her first bike ride, that we could not tell her to stop before she took a tumble on a “bed of thorns”, in Agam’s words, and “a shrub by the side walk”, as I prefer to explain it. Note the dramatic tone in a father’s description. I wonder if he would have used the same phrase if we had a son. Sigh! Tara got her first bike at 3. I got mine at 30. She is already ahead of the curve 😉

Last Friday I fell in love with Google, all over again. The day started on a rough note. I was finding it hard to be an adult. Super hard. The air quality in Bay Area has been terrible last week, and I am very sensitive to the day to day variations. [Yes, I lived in Delhi. No you may not laugh].

The combined effect of the air quality and my state of mind, was just too hard to manage. I pinged a friend, and asked for help.

Me – “I need therapy.”

He – “I am available.”

Me – “I am walking over.”

He – “See you in a few.”

50 minutes later I was not only feeling better, I had a plan, and I was refreshed. I went back to work, super charged. I really value these friendships and cherish this camaraderie that encourages me to seek help (something that is super hard for me to do), without any fear of being judged. I am so thankful for the help I was given, and the friendly advice and a listening ear that was offered. 😀

It did not stop there.  I had two more such engaging sessions through the rest of the day. A sad Friday ended up being a very satisfying Friday. All thanks to the three Googlers who helped me turn my day around.

It is important to have a support system as you progress in your life. It makes it easier to fight the battles you have to, and you build strong relationships along the way.

Lastly, I’ve finished ‘Discover your true north’. I am now on to ‘Build an A Team’, by Whitney Johnson. I picked this book for no other reason but Clayton Christensen’s words at the back – “Management, when practiced well, is a noble profession.” I concur.

An ode to ghazals

Kicked off the weekend with YT playing oldies on loop, and all of sudden the trend shifted towards Ghazals. Especially when Arth and Saath Saath songs begin to play, you know where this session is going to end. Before it got there, I switched to writing. I’d rather channelize this energy towards something more constructive.

I wonder why such songs are not made any more. Who will keep ghazals alive after Jagjit Singh? Are we giving up on them? Will this be a forgotten art? Sigh! Why?

I don’t know many people of my generation that listen to this stuff. Even Agam does not care much about them. As for me, I will never be able to forget their importance in my life. I grew up with them.  I still remember short couplets from some of Papa’s favorite ghazals and there are several that found new meaning over the years – like  “kis tarah ye gum bhul jaaye hum woh judaa hua, is bahaar mein”.

[YT just switched to Aandhi And then this. It must be my lucky day! I wish there was a way for me to save this list somehow. I am not going to put in the effort. Let the AI tackle that.]

Back to the dying art of ghazals. I hope they will make a come back, some day, somehow. Until then, I have enough to keep my Friday evenings jamming. The only thing to remember is to never listen to ghazals on my drive to work. The salted contact lenses give me trouble all day long.

[We are on to this now. And while we are at it – this is one of my very favorites. And this and this . And finally this, which is actually on the lighter note. I can go on and on and on. ]

Tara and I shared a lovely evening today. I left early around 4 and we got a car wash (which translates to Tara ate free popcorn), went to Whole Foods, and then she helped me put the groceries in the fridge. When I went to pick her up at the day care she ran to me and hugged me so tight.  I wonder if she will run to me this fast and hug me this tight, even when she is 16. She probably won’t. But I will etch these hugs in my memory for future use. Mom will become like a ghazal, old and forgotten.

It was Avery’s last day at the day care. He is joining TK in a few weeks. Avery had just turned one when Tara joined the day care at 4 months. The two of them have been good friends ever since.

Tara’s friends are my friends. So obviously I got a little emotional about saying goodbye to him. I kept watching the two of them circle around each other, and play for a little while, and wondered if we will ever meet Avery again. We all hugged each other tight and Tara and I wished him good luck. Sigh! These good byes only get tougher as we grow up. I don’t think Tara and Avery realize that now. Well they have a lifetime to figure it out. I am calling it a day now.

I feel pretty light and relaxed today. No idea where that’s coming from. Let’s give the credit to the musical evening, and the evergreen ghazals 🙂




#1 – Cabbie Diaries

My goal with these essays is to write a 1000 word essay on topics near and dear to my heart. The goal is to publish an essay every two weeks. So I can get to at least 25  essays this year, that can be knotted together into a collection of essays I can call “mine”.

#1 – Cabbie Diaries

My first cab ride was a decade ago. Little did I know then that I will one day end up writing an essay inspired by my conversations with the many cab drivers that I have met in the last decade.

I was using cabs almost every week for the first few years of my career. I was a technology consultant who hopped on a plane every Monday and came back home on Friday. I did not have a car back then. I did not even have a driving license, and hence I used to depend on cabs to take me from place to place. I preferred to keep the same cab drivers while I was in the city for a long project. Some times it worked out and some times it didn’t.

I remember a lot of my cabbie friends. They were from all over the world. Armenians, Ethiopians, Eritreans, Russians, some times even Indians and only once, an American. I have had cabbies that told me that I remind them of their Indian girl friend, their mother, and even their grand mother. There was one who burnt a CD of a song that I really loved in his car and dropped it at my client’s office without a name or number. Laptops had inbuilt CD players back then.

I have had cabbies explain to me the meaning of death and how to reconcile with it. I have also had cabbies tell me that that they came to the US to follow their dream and it landed them in this cab, driving me to the airport.

  I once met a cabbie who was a Math major from Russia. Such a sharp guy. And once I met someone who was an illustrator for children’s books. My primary cabbie in Denver was an elderly man with two wives and four sons. He always complained about his sons and even asked me to speak to them, so they could find a purpose in life and start to make a living for themselves. I never spoke to them. I told him to start charging them rent instead. It helped.

I am a natural when it comes to striking conversations with strangers. And most of the cabbies I have met have been really easy to chat with. They are reflective, contemplative and they open up rather easily. A common theme that unites me and my cabbies is that they are also usually immigrants. We immigrants, we always have such rich stories.

I just remembered, I once had a cabbie in LA who saw me struggling while trying to untangle my necklace, from his rear view mirror, and when we reached the office, he offered to untangle it for me, with patience, sparing good ten minutes of his very busy morning.

Although in reality I am a very chatty person, to my cabbies I always prefer to be the listener. I feel a sense of obligation to hear them out. As if I was the chosen one to listen to their struggles and their journeys from far away lands. They needed someone who would listen without judging them. I played my part. Sometimes I even saw them wipe their tears as they shared their stories. And sometimes I wiped my own.

Our relationship is so transactional, and yet so intimate. We meet and part, with no expectations of ever meeting again.

The cabbie we hired in San Diego, when my parents were visiting me, was another special character. The conversation started when we found Swami Vivekananda’s books in his front seat and the boot of his car. He was an avid reader, and an ex professor from a small town in Arizona. He came to California for his kids’ education, and loved it so much that he decided to never go back. That’s when he started driving cabs to make money. His family shrunk their expenses, and lived in San Diego on his meagre income. His kids went on to get their education from Princeton and MIT on 100% aide. He still drives the cab, because of his love for people.

The cabbie who drove me from to Jessica’s funeral was another one that I can never forget. I was leaving Tara at home for the first time ever since she was born. I was worried about her since I was putting her to sleep way before her normal bed time. I was struggling to balance the two personas within me – the mother and the friend. I wanted to meet Jess’s parents and tell them what a wonderful daughter they had raised, and how much she was loved by everyone. They deserved to know much she loved her parents and how apparent it was in her conversations that she was raised in a wonderful family.

Of course Tara slept early without any issues. But the cabbie was able to tap in to my nervousness. Little did he know where I was going, when he said, “Probably as a mother one has to learn to smile when you grieve, for the child can catch every sliver of emotion and can internalize it without understanding the context.” The entire journey he told me about his mother’s strength of character, her sense of duty and her righteousness. And as we approached the city, he shared that he had lost her to cancer, little over a month ago. He was grieving too. We shared our grief together for the rest of the journey, in silence, and prayer.

Recently there was the cabbie who dropped me at SJC, who told me to go follow my dream. It was after he shared how he went on to become a rock band lyricist after running a construction business for twenty years. I was going to Vegas for a work related conference. His parting words crushed me. I was speechless and found it hard to recover from his innocent blow. My dream does not require me to travel to Las Vegas. But my work does. And the work I do, is not my dream. It will never be. The light pat on my shoulder, that might as well have been of my own father still shakes me up. Reminding me in subtle ways that my life is drifting in a direction I set the sails for, and yet, the mind is not certain of its willingness to follow the wind. I might as well have written an anthology of my cabbie experiences and published them. But here I am, following my dream, in some way. 

I feel so fortunate to have met so many amazing people, and have carried a part of them with me wherever I go. Be it the Gurbani in a desi cabbie’s car in LA that is still in my music library, or the image of the Christ’s cross hanging in the car I went to Jess’s funeral in. Be it the trick the cabbie taught me on how to untangle my necklace, that I still use, or the whiff of Addis Ababa coffee that I recall, when I think of the Eritrean cabbie who I met in Vegas who told me that coffee is roasted in sand in some parts of Africa.

I carry these stories in my heart, the words of these cabbies reverberate in my mind and their kindness and wisdom continues to inspire me.

Cabbie Diaries will resume…there’s more travel to be done, many more memories to be made, and a lot more stories to be told.

Welcome 2018!

2018 is here…

It’s been 10 years since my younger self celebrated her bday by indulging in a shopping spree on the 5th Avenue in NY. It was an experience to check off from my list and so I did. My life was very complex back then. I had education loans, a long distance relationship, a demanding travel intensive career, few friends, fewer hobbies, and a very busy mind. I lived in NY and I did not know what I really wanted to do with my life.

In the last 10 years, I made my career, I made my family and I made my identity. And I de-cluttered my life. I like where I have landed. But there is a lot of scope of improvement. I can be so much better. To myself and my loved ones.

After a decade,  it’s time to turn the page. From me to others. From establishing to dwelling, adventures to stability, and from dabbling to adopting.

Forming new habits and perhaps a new lifestyle. One that is anchored in simplicity.

I sowed the seeds for this simplification in 2017 by first simplifying my career. I took the most natural next step and gave up on my coveted IC status. I want to build teams, not just my resume. I want to become better at being a multiplier. The word means so much more to me now, than it did when JFab shared the concept with me. In a 1:1 that I will never forget and will one day owe my career to, he told me that I am a multiplier and not a diminisher. I need to get even better at being the multiplier.

I also simplified my wardrobe this year. 5 capris and 5 cotton tees. That’s all I wore this summer. And 3 hoodies, 3 sweaters, 3 full sleeves tees and 3 jeans is what I plan to wear all winter.(Add a dozen or so scarves to that). Screw the rest.

Next I need to simplify health. There is too much confusion. Reduce carbs, increase protein, watch calories – which one or all of the above. I am not a fad follower. So the Paleos, Ketos are not for me. I need a balanced diet which is natural and easy to follow. I need to find time for a 30min physical activity daily. And I need to commit to it. Like most folks I fall prey to the “I have no time to spare” syndrome. I cannot procrastinate any more.

We as a family have also simplified our lives by deciding not to have another child. I am not selfish for my time, its just that I just cannot love another child like I love Tara. I cannot imagine doing anything that disturbs the wild spirit that my child has. She needs to stay the way she is and I cannot disrupt this environment she is in.

Also, we have greatly simplified our travel plans. We want to visit family during winter vacations. Winter in Delhi is just amazing. And as our parents age, and Tara grows up, we want them to meet every year. Apart from India, one international trip and one domestic trip, with a customary Hawaii trip if possible, ensures that we have something to look forward to each quarter.

I need to create some space in 2018. To start doing side projects. Something more than just work and family. Some hobby, volunteering or some project on the side. Not quite sure what it will end up being. My only requirement is that it has to be simple and thus achievable.

I am sure I have shared this before. But I love growing old. It is rewarding, these years lived. So much to learn, adapt to and assimilate. And, so much to simplify 🙂

Yays and Nays of 2017

And now for the Yays and Nays of 2017


– Agam recovered from his accident at a pretty fast speed.
– I switched teams and roles
– We spent a LOT of time with family throughout the year.
– Mom stayed with us for a few months and we enjoyed her company and surveillance 😉
– I ran a lot in the first half of the year.
– Tara is potty trained (yeah that’s a YAY!)
– I checked off two bucket lists – Hop on Hop Off in NYC and Sakura in Tokyo.
– We established a Will and Trust for Tara.
– Tara started eating sushi.
– Our new ride – Subaru Outback.
– We went home for the Holidays!


– I did not run at all in the second half of the year.
– We were naughty from Thanksgiving to New Years about our healthy eating habits.
– Mom’s diabetes went through a rough patch.
– Posture issues plagued my weekdays and weeknights

Not too many Nays as one can tell. 2017 was kind to us. And we hope to keep up the trend.



Yesterday I received one of the most rewarding compliments of my professional life. It made me extremely happy and I felt grounded in the beauty of what Larry, Sergey, Eric and now Sundar have created. An ecosystem called Google.

I have had the pleasure (and to a certain extent displeasure) of watching several organizations from up close. Organizations big and small, technical and retail, political and philanthropic. I have also had the pleasure of pursuing and landing my dream job at a very progressive and aggressive organization like Salesforce.

All to say that I have never felt that sense of gratitude towards a company, that I feel for Google. I found managers I wanted to work for, or peers I wanted to work with, and maybe leaders I wanted to follow. But it was never the organization as a whole that won my love and loyalty.

Google is made by its people. Not it’s products or benefits. I choose to work at Google, because I love the people who work here. And I believe that the organization plays an important role in hiring such people, bringing them together in a professional setting, and allowing them to bring their true self to the table.

It goes even further in allowing them to be authentic, and influence with that authenticity and passion. There is no template to win at Google. The people here challenge the norms and allows people to lead with the qualities they chose to lead with.

Although I am not a very social person on the weekends, I make it a point to meet several people during my work week. I keep my lunch promises and keep seeking out new folks who can add to my list of Humans @ Google. These are friends, peers and leaders who contribute to my emotional and professional development, without them even knowing about it.

Just yesterday, I met someone for the first time for an intro meeting and left the conversation feeling nourished with some management insights. For lunch I met up with some ex-colleagues and we enjoyed an intense conversation about the car accident I was in earlier this week and how I must report it to Google, excitement about a colleague’s new role and our collective advice on not tying the actions to the outcomes, and a commentary on the performance review process, all in one hour while we munched our yummy salads in an open air cafe. And then I ended my day with a hilarious chat with a peer about being approachable, and the importance of constructive dialogue and forums that allow for such dialogues to ensue.

After a lull of a few years, I finally have a lot of friends. I never thought I’d say that as an adult. I always felt that our ability to make friends dwindles with age. But that rule does not apply when you are here at Google.

Through this post I want to express my gratitude to all the people who make it so worthwhile for me to come to work every day. You are all amazing. And together, we make this company amazing.

In case you are still wondering what was the compliment that made my day – “Keep me on your speed dial for whenever you need me.” I took it as a compliment since I was meeting this person for the very first time and we had chatted for little under an hour.

Here’s to more rigorous, engaging and insightful conversations, at Google.


belated happy birthday!

Last year I caught up on a lot of reading, quite a bit of travel, a little bit of writing, plenty of cooking, and just enough socializing. It was a good year.

I grew up a lot. I discovered new possibilities as a parent, a wife, a daughter, a friend and an employee.

I am **happy** in my almost mid thirties and I am quite proud of that achievement. I am satisfied with all that I have and all that I am. There will always be room for improvement. But if I were to die today. I won’t have any regrets.

My biggest power is my ability to reflect and learn from my own life. Here’s my most favorite learning from the last year of living

As you peel the layers of the onion, you need to prepare yourself for the outbursts. Tears there will be. It is up to you, if you choose to let it out, or to soak it in and ruminate over it’s complex flavors.

The hard truth is that you can very well walk through this life with your eyes closed, dancing on the tune set by the world, believing the narrative that was told to you and your forefathers. But if you decide to question, to look under the cover, to dig a little further, you will be disappointed at first, a tardy bit curious at second, and then you cannot turn back.

And once you have scraped the surface and glanced at the hollow pit, you cease to partake in the narrative that is inconsistent and self fulfilling. You start filling the hole that you only you know exists. And in that attempt, you are alone. 

That is when you have to find your allies and vet your early discoveries. It is not easy to share your world view out in the open. It is all very controversial. You are questioning the very basis of relationships. You are calling murder, murder. It won’t be easy. But you must keep at it. My ally is my husband. Between the two of us, we are shielded.


At peace with unknown

As I munched away Chilaquiles for breakfast, I was passively over hearing a bunch of conversations in the cafe. I could barely grasp any of them, because they were in languages I did not understand. And that made me extremely happy.

In that moment I internalized the feeling of comfort I derive from being in a place where everyone is different.  A place I know nothing about; where I need to start from the ground up. That internalization led to a lot of dots connecting all of a sudden. It was, as if, some neural network was activated, and there were light bulbs glowing everywhere.

I derive a lot of pleasure and comfort from being in a diverse environment. I’d rather be in a room with people who are different from me, people who don’t speak my language, nor share the color of my skin. I am psychologically safest in a room where I am not one amongst many similar people. I like to have my own identity, my own flavors. Where there are no pre-conceived notions about how to operate.

This is also what motivates me to travel to places that offer a contrast. I prefer to be in Japan than London. In all of Europe the one place I was most peaceful is Venice since I ran into language issues there. This is also the reason I was so in love with NY. And perhaps this is also the reason I was good at, and so in love with technology consulting. The more the unknowns, the happier I am.

Perhaps that’s why parenting is my favorite vocation. It is full of unknowns. There is never the feeling of – ” I have landed.”

Simply said, I am at peace when I am uncomfortable.

I don’t have the right words to describe this. But just as I start making sense of the madness around me, my interest in that madness drops. A feeling of – “I guess this is figured out. What’s next?” clouds my perspective on things from that point onwards. It is very difficult to motivate myself in that environment after that point of time.

If this is how I operate, I must use this to my advantage – both personally and professionally. I don’t even know where to begin. Or if I need to pay heed to this internalization. May be all of us are like this? I don’t know.

In my early career, I thought of myself as a control freak. And I still carry that image as a baggage. The way I have now understood that behavior is that I am a control freak up until I have it figured. Once I do, I am at peace. I enjoy the flow. Just a little while. And then I get bored of it and go attack something new.

I would not have understood this nuance about myself ten years back. But I am ripe to comprehend it now. That’s why we must give life a chance to simplify itself as we grow up. For now, I am at peace. I have a whole new area to explore and master. Myself.

Welcome 2017!

What is so unique about a change of date, that we wait for it with so much anxiety and fondness? I am growing more and more cynical lately, so it is possible that I don’t have my rosy lenses on. But why do we wait for the date to change to start adopting new resolutions and habits? If the rationale is that one can start from a clean slate. Well we do that each day. Can’t we?

Agam and I saw more sunrises than sunsets in 2016. Tara’s morning wake ups and our interesting lives contributed to that. But I think there is a trend beginning to emerge here. As one grows older, we stop chasing sunsets, we start reaching out for the sun rise. Perhaps there is so much more to do, as one grows old, and you simply need more hours in the day to keep your boat afloat. Or you realize that there is no point chasing something that is short lived and temporary, like a sight of a dipping sun. You value things that give you energy and hope and have a longer run way. Just like the rising sun that gives way to a new day.

On to welcoming 2017. Nothing special about this year on the onset. I am looking forward to resuming our life that hit the pause button last quarter. And apart from that we hope to have a lot of family time this year, and may be some travel.

I don’t get marred by incidents easily and hence in retrospect, 2016 was a fulfilling year for me. I did a few things differently last year that I want to continue to tweak and a few things wrong, that I want to correct. And a few new that I want to dabble with.

**So what worked in 2016**

– Fixing things. An attitude to take what’s broken, and fix it.
– Let others lead – Once you set the direction, you can let other lead. They are as capable as you and you cannot do everything in the 24 hours that you have. Applies to both personal and professional domains.
– Meal planning and intense focus on healthy eating.
– Crafty execution on long term projects like the Nook/Nest swap.
– Responding to love and affection regardless of the source. Renewing old friendships
– When I observe Tara’s caring and social personality, I feel warm and happy. She is my mirror, and I think I did well there.
– Nothing made me more happy this year, than seeing the expressions of my friends and peers when I told them what makes them special.
– Some sort of meditation and journalling

**What did not work in 2016**

– Trying to discipline Tara about eating. I failed at most of my attempts. The fact is that she eats when she is hungry, not when the clock says its time, and she usually picks the right thing to eat. I spent endless hours in the kitchen making the most healthy things for her but it was a waste.
– I did not write much in 2016. I let the busyness of life get to me.
– My transparency and matter of fact honesty was rewarded at work, but not on the personal front. I learnt some lessons about being discrete.
– Advance Planning – a lot of trips had to be canceled, changed and moved.
– We were frivolous during the holiday season.
– I give way too much advice even when no one is asking for it. Not everyone is receptive to random trivial advice. Gauge your audience. Not everyone is worth your time.

**What are we going to do in 2017**

– Be a good role model for Tara
– Make people happy – Let them lead, let them know why they are special, let them help
– Keep the focus on health + add some workouts to it too. Keep at the meditation routines.
– Manage spending
– Be discrete. The world does not need to know all the things that make you happy. Only you do.
– Plan judiciously
– Listen more than talk
– Focus on building new skills. Learn something new every month. Be accountable.
– Create more and consume less

Portrait of a beggar

I closely observed a beggar on the street yesterday. His fingers were curled in rejection of his own self. His eyes, refusing to meet the world. Hair unkempt, clothes shabby. Shoes mostly torn, without socks. Body stooping over, and neck held in shame. It must have been his first day on the street. He was not comfortable in his own skin.

Holding a board that read, “Living on a prayer”, this man is waiting for a miracle to happen on the streets of Oakland.

He was young and fit. He carried a demeanor of a beggar, but his soul was still free. I wished to free that soul from his body, and remind him that prayers only work when you take action. And taking on the streets, is not counted as one.

I am not judging him. I don’t know his story. I just don’t think that man needs a prayer. He needs work. I hope he gets one in the new year.

Yays and Nays of 2016

Yays and Nays of 2016

  1. Tara grew up so much. She started talking, running and answering back. I couldn’t be happier with this kid. She is all I ever asked for. Naughty and nice, a bit sweet but with enough spice. If she follows her trajectory she will fend for herself well in this world.
  2. We enjoyed a memorable trip to India, where we did our first 3G Vacation in Kerala. It was amazing to be back home with a kid in tow. Tara met her cousins for the first time, and I built Lego castles with my lil nieces.
  3. We had a lovely time with Agam’s Aunt and cousin. They visited us over the summer break and added a lot of joy to our summer. We enjoyed some yummy Bengali delicacies, shared childhood stories and did some fun trips to the Berkeley campus.Tara ended up being not a very gracious host to her first house guest, but we got several stories to recount when she is older.
  4. We bought our Nook. We love it. It’s got room for all of us, our interests, and makes it so easy for us to be better parents (the parents who take the kid to the park, every day. Well almost) 🙂
  5. Agam ran his first big half marathon in SF. It will be a little while till he runs another one, and hence in hindsight, this will count as one of the YAYs of 2016.,
  6. We enjoyed our visit to NY. Met up with old school friends and gorged our way through the NY Indian food scene. It was very nostalgic to meet old friends, equally exciting to meet their spouses, and oh so thrilling to play with their kids.
  7. Papa visited us and Agam, Tara and I got to spend some great time with him. Even though the reason for his visit will count as the biggest NAY of 2016, his presence made us all so YAY!
  8. I got a promotion, and I think I finally caught up on my two-year lag that motherhood had forced upon me. A promotion at Google is not just about money and ranks. It is a lot more. It is an acknowledgment about your ability to make a strong impact. And secretly, I rejoiced that I kept my record of a promo in a new job within the first 18 months.
  9. I completed Six Sigma Green Belt certification, with a pretty cool project. Enjoyed solving every bit of the problem. And cherished the opportunity to bring together a team and lead them through some interesting challenges. The results were satisfactory, and the recipe repeatable.
  10. I managed to move my blog from Blogspot to WordPress 🙂 This task was pending for so many years, and finally, it happened.
  11. I attended a three day Search Inside Yourself workshop that helped me significantly in realizing my real intentions, ambitions, and incentives. I am more connected with myself, ever since I took the class. And a whole lot more accepting of the person I am.
  12. We finally started doing play dates. They are fun and we love the parents we hang out with. Such a relief 😉
  13. We settled on a great dinner routine this year with lots of salads, soups, and meats on the menu. Things got thrown off base after the accident. But we are slowly bringing healthy back.Thank You Air Fryer 😉
  14. A final Yay on mentoring for young talent at work, helping them through their struggles, and showing them the path forward.

And now on to my NAYS!

  1. Agam met with an accident. And his recovery eclipsed the entire Fall of 2016. I count my blessings that his injury is fully recoverable and he will be back to his runs in a year or so. But what happened could have been avoided. And for that, neither I nor he will ever forgive ourselves.
  2. We sold Granada. Granada was special. It was our Nest. We tried hard to make the numbers work so we could keep it. But in the end it came down to the quality of life we will be forcing upon ourselves, trying to pay two mortgages. It was sold within a month and I hope the new owner keeps it with as much love as I did.
  3. We had to cancel several trips and hence did not travel as much as we like this year. I get antsy when I am home for more than 3 months. I miss the nature, the greens and the blues, and the mountains and the people. People who are not like me. People outside this bubble.
  4. We let the busyness of our lives get to us. We did not spend a lot of people with close friends this year. Everyone appeared to be more busy, and more distant. Not sure if it is just a perception on my end. But I felt something amiss in some relationships. And I am willing to hold myself accountable.
  5. Donald Trump happened. I don’t want to waste more words on that topic.
  6. And finally, Tara, Agam and I fell sick right at the beginning of our Christmas break. A silly darn stomach bug caught us all and ruined our plans for a very merry Christmas. But New Years is still to come. So we shall see 🙂

14 vs 6 – you can do the math. More on the next year’s plans in the next post. Happy Holidays!

Yays and Nays of 2015!

Ah it’s time for my favorite post of the year. It’s time for the Yays and Nays of 2015! Let’s cut it short and get to the list asap. As always let’s start with Yays

  1. TARA! OH Tara! You are the little nugget that I did not know I was missing in my life. And now that you have fitted so well in our little nest, I wonder how I ever lived without you. Your milestones, your tantrums and your love made it to the top of the list this year.
  2. I shared some amazing time with my Mum while she was here earlier this year. I will always cherish the days she spoilt me rotten with her care after Tara was born.
  3. I finally found a job close to home. Always wondered what it felt like to wake up at 7:45am and be at work before 8:30. Now I know – it feels pretty awesome.
  4. Made it through a year of breast feeding..and we are still at it. I did not plan to. I did not even intend to. I don’t even believe in its magical properties. I just loved it. I loved it because it was my time with my lil Tara. We share a special bond because I was able to feed her. I am thankful to the nurses at Lucille Packard who lay the foundation for us. 
  5. We kept going strong with our travels even with Tara. Santa Barbara, Yosemite, London, Maui and San Francisco. I want her to love travel, just like I do. So far the signs are strong. 
  6. In my very first attempt I was able to raise almost $200 in an org wide fund raising event. And since that is matched by Google, I basically raised $400 for a local bay area charity. So how did I do that? I put a lunch/brunch at our place with Indian food made from scratch for auction, and several of my awesome colleagues bid on it. Loved it.
  7. Thanks to Google’s Donation Match program I felt even more motivated to donate for causes that I care about. It felt great to see my annual contribution hitting new thresholds. That also included donating my corp holiday gift this year.
  8. I took a pretty cool cooking class that opened my eyes to simpler and healthier meals for the three of us. I am finally free from the tentacles of curries and lentils and rotis and rice. I create dishes and I am finally able to put the fresh seasonal vegetables from the farmer’s market to good use.
  9. We finally started having dinner between 6:00pm-6:30pm. It makes our life so much simpler and so much disciplined. I always wanted to eat early, but somehow that never ended up happening. 
  10. I slept quite well this year. Yes, for a new mom to admit that almost feels sinful. But the hours I slept, I slept well. I was always more relaxed and rested each morning.
  11. I get a lot more done in the 24 hours I have each day. A LOT more. 
  12. I found an extended family in the form of Tara’s teachers at Learning Links. I love those people and I get a lot of love back from them and even from the kids at the day care. I spend every single hour I can take off from work with them and they add so much joy to my life. 
  13. 10 years in US (and no driving ticket).
  14. I am back to drinking wine again 🙂
  15. Agam and I found some amazing synergies in getting things done around the house without it becoming a chore for one person. It was amazing to build those synergies. Cheers to more such synergies.

  1. Lost my maternal uncle. He was the youngest in my Mom’s family. I felt terrible telling my Aunty to let him go. But I am so proud of her. She did the right thing. She is such an inspiration to me. I wish I had told her that in a more happier context. 
  2. After working towards my dream role and a dream job for almost eight years, I gave it all up to come join Google. I did not give it up for Google. I gave it up for Tara. It hurts me every single day and I won’t hide how foolish I feel about myself on most days. It is very tough to accept, but accept I must. I should have thought more about it. I killed a dream in one blow. And I know opportunity knocks again, but boy I don’t have eight more years worth of stamina in me no more. I have a child to raise, and raising tiny humans is exhausting. And yes I know it is all worth it in the end. But I am not at the end, and it is a steep climb to get to the point where it will feel like that. For now, I reminisce my days at Salesforce and feel grateful I got to experience that for whatever little time I did.
  3. I did not write much in 2015. 
  4. I read even less. 
  5. Obviously being diagnosed as pre-diabetic wasn’t a really a great thing. But better know it early and fix your ways before it gets too late.
  6. Health is in quite bad shape. We are eating better. But we are not working out. There is a gym right opposite the building I work at and yet I don’t find the time. I am so ashamed about it.
  7. Although I got more done in the day, I always have a nagging feeling that I could have done more with the day. It is a little disturbing. I did not use my 8pm-10pm slot as judiciously as I intended to. FB took up a lot of that time. I should have used it to read more or write more instead. So a Nay to that nagging feeling.

This has never happened before. My Yays are double in number to my Nays. That’s definitely a first. I mean, I always end up balancing them out in the end. But despite some strong Nays here, we had a stellar year!

Now on to some resolutions
  1. Pack more activity in my day. There are a few elements to this – I need to take out 30-45min to work out in a day. I also need at least 30min of dedicated reading time and at least 30min of dedicated writing time, at least thrice a week. So hold me accountable if you don’t see at least a few blog posts (not FB posts) per week from me. 
  2. Eat Healthy at Google. It is so easy to slip into bad habits. I need to stick to salads at lunch and use Baadal and Brgr as treat days to motivate me to be a good eater through the month.
  3. I cannot work on things that don’t challenge me enough and so I am going to split this year into two halves – first half, find the challenge and second half, overcome it.
  4. Listen more. Pretty self explanatory.
  5. Stretch myself – needs to be defined

cheers to the next decade..

This might not make any sense to anyone but me. But that will not discourage me from writing it.

Read at your discretion.

I have lived three decades. And yet not found my self. I have no desire to live a long life. I’d rather have it short and crisp. Given my preference I can safely speculate that my life is more than one third done.

With a third done and pretty much no concrete purpose in life,  I have two options today. To accept this as a fact and know that not everyone is born to be a Mother Teresa or Indira Gandhi, and let this life runs its course. Or I can accept that I, by choice, wasted a big chunk of my life conforming and it is now pretty late in the game to change course. And although it is a little uncomfortable to choose this option. I am “now” brave enough to accept it.

I might have not found “my self” or identified the “purpose” of life, but at least I have grown up. And that my friend is the point. Regardless of what happens, each year you grow up just a little bit. And at thirty, you might not completely understand all the intricate details of the workings of this world, but you are grown up enough to know that the jigsaw puzzle ahead of you, is unique to you. And the pieces sometimes magically fit with each other and sometimes take a long time to find their true anchor on the board. And also even though this is your game, there will be many who would rather have you play it their way. But in the end it is your actions and choices that bring it all together – consciously or subconsciously.

My twenties were such a mixed bag. From being a naive and innocent juvenile to becoming this matter of fact’ish person who is cynical, satirical, cut throat and aggressive, I have changed a lot in this last decade. I have acquired layers and switched lenses. I have lost trust, love, friends and a parent. I have gained intuition, grief, judgement and tidbits of wisdom. I have shed my baby skin and turned into this gooey substance on the inside that sometimes becomes as hard as a stone and at times melts and flows like a molten lava. I have learnt to reflect and yet not to absorb. I have learnt to smile on the outside, and cry rivers on the inside. I have become this complicated being that has lost her ‘natural’ response to situations to a more ‘appropriate’ one. And the best part is that none of this was a deliberate change. It “JUST” happened over time.

This brings me to the larger question.  If this is how things work, then have I no role to play in who I become and what I do? If I could not control this inner metamorphosis that I can attempt to describe but not regulate, then what’s the point of this reflection and analysis? Where does all this lead me to? Just another year of splits and conflicts within myself? And secondly does it have to lead me to something?

Of course to others this is all just plain BS and a note from a yet another narcissistic human being. I don’t really care. All I know is that if I want to discover I have to be fearless. Because sometimes when you go looking for secrets, you might not necessary like what you find. And to accept the facts as you grow along is also part of the discovery.

And even if all these reflection and analysis has no meaning, I am just contented to know that thanks to all that the twenties threw at me, I have turned out to be brave. Brave enough to ‘know’ and ‘accept’ myself. Brave enough to “love” and also “hate” myself.

To the  decades …
The first didn’t matter
The second was quite a scatter
The third was quite a slosh

I hope the fourth doesn’t go awash 🙂

Conversation with a self encouraged story-teller

As I get more serious about taking writing more seriously, (yeah that’s a lot of serious talk in one sentence), I need to unlearn some of the things the world has taught me. I don’t lack the ability to take a happenstance and narrate it in simple and soul hugging words. What I lack, is the ability to imagine and create.
 Today I don’t create. I simply narrate. And if I want to be a story-teller, I need to learn to create and not be limited to what the world has taught me. To think without limits is an ability a story-teller must possess. I don’t think it is difficult to get there. It is like meditation of some sort. And with practice and patience I can do it. I just need to embark on the journey to start creating and I need to start now.
I do think that having dealt with too much practicality and reality early in my life, imagination is not something that will come easy to me. But I don’t think it is impossible. Well Impossible is Nothing! I just need to find my strengths.
Observation is a big part of imagination. If you don’t observe, what will you base your imagination on? Now that is something I am good at. And as I confessed to Agam not very long ago, I observe too much. I observe every reaction, every smile, ever grin, every shrug, every shiny eye, every smirk, every damn emotion or movement that can be captured by this human eye. I observe all body movements, all uhs and umms. I am observing even when I am  not actively looking at something. My sub conscience is always observing, like a beacon out there grabbing all signals – involuntarily of course. May be everyone is like that. And I won’t be surprised if that’s the case. But oh well that’s how I feel anyways.
 The good thing is that I have learnt or rather coached myself to observe but not analyze. Analysis can be biased and clouded by experience and preferences. Observation is simply raw data. If I use the observed sample set to imagine. I think I can do many creative things with that data set.
Phew.. all this and more, thanks to Nilanjana Roy’s candid interview in NYT. See link here A Conversation With: Author Nilanjana Roy – NYTimes.com

2011 – In Pictures

The year started slow for us. We had just returned from India in November and we were still trying to find the balance in our routine. I was mostly buried in work and weekends were all I had to nurture my passions. And so one of the fortunate weekends I mastered the art of making mutton biryani. Hot and steaming biryani in the January chill was our first 2011 delight.
As February unfolded, we were still low in spirits. I was mostly lost in my father’s memories and the shock from his transition began to manifest into various forms of creativity. One of them being this video that I put togther for him. How a bunch of flowers turned into a commemoration for my father – is still unknown to me. But I know it started with Agam replaying the scene from Lion King where Rafiki shows Simba his own reflection in water and says , “he lives in you”.


Slowly spring entered our lives and we enjoyed our first day trip to California Academy of Science. It was a refreshing experience connecting back with things we love – astronomy, rain forests and dinosaurs. The child in us was happy and we loved our picnic in the Golden Gate park. Spring is my favorite time of the the year. It served as a turning point for us in 2011.
My travel instincts returned and I frivolously started planning weekend getaways. We started with Yosemite National Park. It was a wonderful drive to the park along the Merced river and a very comfortable stay in the lodge at the falls. We loved Yosemite.
In May we packed our bags yet again and left for a trip down the northern pacific coast. Our destination was Mendocino. A short weekend getaway in a cozy little cottage, was just what we needed to rewind.
Then came Memorial Day, and Damu came to visit us here in the bay area. I met her after six years. She is still the same. We had an amazing time driving down the south pacific coastline. 
June is for anniversaries. And so I made surprise reservation at Ritz Carlton at Half Moon Bay for our first anniversary. A perfect surprise with the perfect husband.
Then around end of June and we started packing our bags for Paris. A long awaited dream finally came true. I love Paris. I wish I was born there.
After Paris , we went to India and had a fabulous time with our families.
For Labor Day I decided to head North East and visited my cousin and Damu. I hopped in and out of NY, NJ and Connecticut. It was great connecting with Damu again and we enjoyed a lovely getaway in Mystic and a wild night in NY.

In September Agam’s friends visited us from India. So we all went to Lake Tahoe for the weekend. Amazing weather, beautiful landscapes and a very good company.
Now it was time for Hawaii. We picked Big Island and loved our choice. The highlight of the trip was a tour of Mauna Kea and the beautiful sunset that we witnessed on the night of Thanksgiving.
And lastly in December it was time for more indulgence. So we headed to Napa for a short getaway and indulged in fine wine, jazz music and divine food.
I believe life is all that happens in between one vacation and the other. It is like a relay race. You just run enough to make it to your next vacation and then you get your breather and then you resume the race.. just to make it to the next destination.
The year 2011 was all about TRAVEL for the Brahma-Khullar family. 
I am yet to find a theme for 2012. (Too many competing choices). Stay tuned.. the fun is yet to begin.

Ebbs and Flows

Each time a week like this goes by, it reminds me how we all operate under our true potential in normal circumstances. And how much stronger we become each time adversities cross our paths. No it is not about Irene. Though Irene does have a role to play in all that happened.
Starting projects is always a challenge. There is the usual forming, storming, norming, and performing phases. Then there is the stress of travel, of letting go of all the comforts and disciplines you build around your life, when you are not traveling – like a regime of going to the gym, eating healthy, and most importantly being with your family.  It is all worth it as some say, but there are days you don’t see the worth and you evaluate the worthiness of your job. The same job that gives you pleasure and thrill during the day becomes a reason to sulk when you are all by yourself in your dark hotel room at night. It is the usual ebbs and flows.
Last week was also marked with the final ceremony of my Dad’s transition. I was not there when they started, and I was not there to end them. I just fit in when it is convenient for me. That’s my life. I don’t design it that way, it just happens to be so. I finally cried like that child who loses her Dad this week. It took me a year to get there.
Last week I also surprised myself by asking God (or whatever that exists), to make it easy for my Uncle to transition into the other world. I could not believe my ears when I heard my prayers. It was clear – “if you have to take him, then take him sooner than later. Don’t make him suffer. He was a good man. And he deserves better.” Our family deserves better. We are exhausted with overlapping grief and the series of unfortunate happenings.
But things got over complicated this week when Irene struck East and chaos struck my well planned schedule for the next week. I was to hit NJ/NY/CT area on Sunday and shit happened. So now I will get there only on Tuesday ! I am heading to NJ to spend time with my niece who was born last year. I want to spend time especially with her dad who is dealing with a prolonged grief, much like mine, of losing his Dad. His sorrow is deeper than mine; he is seeing his Dad’s health deteriorate over time, and it is at the point of no return. I don’t know how I can help him, perhaps I cannot. But I want to him to see me and know that life moves on.
And then I will head further East to spend time with Damu. We are heading to Mystic, CT for a couple of days and then we hit the City on Sunday evening. We got lucky with the hotel and are staying bang on Central Park. Super!! It is sort of charming to go back to the city you once lived in and stay in a hotel. I have googled the location and there is a Dean and Dulca close by. I have fetish for that store (don’t ask me why). I secretly keep hoping that something happens and NY calls me back for good. I miss that city. I loved it there. I love CA too, but there is always that first love, and NY scores on that.
So while I will be enjoying the warmth of family and friends, Agam will be enjoying in the heat of Rock City, Nevada; at the Burning Man. The funny thing is that this long weekend, we both will be doing things that we always wanted to do, with our respective roommates from engineering days. Life is good when you have friends around you, who share your interests and passions. So it was not just Irene that clouded my thoughts, there was just way too much going on. But the past is behind us. And the week ahead looks promising.
Enjoy the long weekend everyone.