So what are you made of?

So I decided to write this year for Nanowrimo. Why? It’s a good question. Not that I don’t have enough to do. And neither do I have much time to just sit around and keep writing. But then my mind is a very creative, and active place. And it gives me immense joy to hear the sound of typing really fast. It also gives me some sense of accomplishment. Yes, go figure. But that’s why I wanted to write. Like, what it feels to just let go, type up, and try to trace my thought process. 

So like I mentioned I have a very active mind, and I cannot trust it to sit still. I have tried umpteen times to set a timer for 10min, with a goal of just breathing in and out, and watch my thoughts like a bystander. Yes, meditation is what people call it. But if I call it that I will be ‘that’ kind of a person. And that exactly is also how my mind works. I cannot be a “that” kind of person. A person who is predictable. Someone whose thinking can be traced. I am far from that. 

You get the point. I am a rebel. When wind blows east to west, I like to run in the south east direction. I like that madness of the wind in my face as it hits me against the grain of my skin, and cleanses me. I run outdoors for precisely that reason. I call it cleaning cobwebs of my mind. And when you have a mind as active as mine, you leave a lot of unattended thoughts around, and they can add to the clutter, aka cobwebs. So I run to cleanse. But also I run to know how fast I can go. I never run to know how long I can go. You see I don’t like distance. I like speed. And I don’t have enough time. None of us do. Life is short, didn’t you hear that yet? Where have you been?

I have seen it. Right here in my family. And that is also how my mind works. No matter what I am doing, where I am at, and how fast I am running, in my mind runs a narrative – ‘life is short, just like my relationship with my father’. It was short – as in 27 years. And not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. But today I will tell you the truth. I think of him, not because “oh what would he do if he was here?” But because I want to know what would I be if he was still here. Who I would have been if he was still around is a mystery to me. And I spend time thinking about that too. More cobwebs you see. Gnarly ones to that. 

Although it feels like I have been writing a lot. Its only been exactly 475 words so far. And my goal is 50,000 in 30 days. So in my mind I am already doubting my intentions. But here is also how my mind works – it likes challenges. In fact it loves challenges. Tell me I cannot do something and see it happen before you know it. I race to meet deadlines. I rush to finish tasks. I am a doer. A crazy give it all type doer. So there is a part of my mind playing games right now with the other part. “So can you do this routine thingy?” The thing that you love to hate, and hate to love. ROUTINE.

And so that’s the real reason why I am writing for Nanowrimo this year – I hate routines. I fail at routines. I abhor them, and seek pleasure in disrupting them. I also mock those who follow them. Yet I secretly crave them. Like why can’t I predictably wake up at 6:30am every day and go for a run? Uh oh, here we go – Do you see the flaw here? No? Let me explain with this use case how really my mind work.

Goals cannot be small. It’s got to be big. Let’s not waste time trying to build a routine to wake up at 6:30am every day. Which in itself would mean that I need to build another routine to sleep by 10:30pm every night, and there can be a series of routines that lead me to that routine. BUT, no I cannot start that way. Instead, I will set up myself for failure, but expanding the goal – wake up at 6:30 and go for a run. And if you did not meet the whole, no point just achieving 50% of it. You are useless if you cannot do it on Monday, and give up and go home. Tuesday we will make another goal. 

No matter what – there’s something to be said about my kind of a mind. It is fast, active, restless, ever expanding, ever curious, always computing, and always ready to go! I believe that mind powers the body. And despite how much I curse the way my mind works, it is my fuel. I run on thoughts. They set my pace. I derive a lot of energy from this frenzy that is forever orchestrating symphonies, stories, and scenarios in my mind. They propel me to create game plans, device means of achieving things that seem impossible at first. 

I think, visualize, evaluate, plan, act, achieve – first in my mind. And then I put my body into motion. My mind accomplishes, my body executes. My mind orchestrates, my body performs. My mind imagines, my body ‘gets it done’! 

I have written so much, and it is still just 995 words so far. Where will I find the remaining 15 words? Where else? From my mind. My treasure cove, my talisman, my renewable source of wisdom, courage, empathy, righteousness, and love. I was built in my mind. Do you know what you are made of ? 

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