Contradictions

We’ve just come back from the ocean, and yet I crave it so much. Some things are unexplainable. Like my obsession with the ocean. It is so magnanimous and yet so comforting. It’s a contradiction in so many ways. And it pulls me in like a force that is so overwhelming and yet so caring.

I miss Mom and Stuti. It’s been way too long since I saw them and spent time with them. And knowing that it won’t likely happen this year either, is depressing. I wish I could just fly out for a week. But the thought of sitting in a plane for that long and the quarantine and all makes it a non starter.

When I miss them more, I call them less often. And that makes it worse.

While I was deep down homesick and battling through my meetings I got a message from an Uncle in NY. We used to meet often when we lived in NY. Often being whenever he and I were both in town. Which was quite hard given our travel schedules. I have not seen him in 11 years and it feels good when he reaches out once in a while.

I worry about him. He lives alone. Yesterday he texted me to ask what I am reading these days. I saw the words and smiled and cried at the same time. He was lonely. Chacha does not send messages like these. He needed to speak someone.

He calls me kiddo. “Hey kiddo what you reading these days.” I wanted to reply – “catch a flight and come here, you’ve been alone for a while.” But I didn’t . I told him my bedside list. We exchanged notes. And that was it.

Kiddo wanted to say many things. But he is not the one who wants to listen to those words. He is the Agam tribe. People of this tribe don’t express emotions. They want you to read their mind. And sometimes their eyes. They don’t want you to use words that express feelings. They are shy. My dad was that tribe too. And so are a few people I happen to surround myself with. Sometimes I want to shake these people, give them a hug and shout – live for heavens sake. But I know what they will say – “ I am breathing just fine.” Hah’ just like “kiddo what are you reading?” Instead of – “hey how are you doing. Been a while. Was thinking of you. And May be – I missed you.”

I miss you too Chacha. And if you were here, I’d even give you a big hug and ask you to buy me a dessert like old times.

Family – such a strange phenomenon. Such a contradiction. It helps you become an individual by coaching you to be a part of a whole.

Much like the ocean.

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