Tamasha – one of my all time favorite movies. Every time perf season comes around I think of this movie. It reminds me of the meaninglessness of this system. It also kindles in me in this question of what would I do, if I could do just about anything? Perhaps become an independent consultant who does not have to write self assessments to prove that I am valuable to my employer (in this case, myself).

My spin on perf is that it is about celebrating talent. I enjoy the sessions where I go deep into my reports talent, and their achievements, their skills, their unique abilities and how they add value to the team, org, and company. And I really do enjoy this season as a manager.

But as an employee, I still struggle. I struggle with the frameworks that measure a fish by its ability to climb a tree. May be it is my natural disposition to not fit in. And when I am chiseled into a box that I don’t like to constrain myself to, I revolt. And I have been revolting for six years. Why do I keep dealing with this? For the golden handcuffs? No, not entirely. But I’d be foolish to not accept that they have a strong role to play.

Perf overwhelms me. I have the writer’s block. I hate the check boxes and the artifacts and the formalities of writing down what you did in the last six months. It is a little bit better this time. I am not as scattered as I was before. But I still don’t want to take the hours to write. I wonder if someday I can quit this system that promotes narcissism, while breeding self doubt.

Well that day is not today, and the deadline is fast approaching. I don’t want to spend any of my weekend on it, so I plan to order food on Friday night wrap it up in an hour.

Quite paradoxical that I love to help people with their perf anxieties and self assessments when I am most anxious about this topic myself. Perhaps someday karma will pay off. Or perhaps I will find a way to end this anxiety once and for all before that happens.