Finishing my last rituals on the team. Done for the most part. Still two more steps to go for a few of them. And then I am done. I think I’ve built a strong team that delivers impact and I am so proud of their accomplishments. It’s a humbling experience to represent that body of work and ensure it is fairly evaluated.
Aside from that, I cannot wait to be done. I am exhausted. And burnt. Just like the Phoenix. Hoping to rise from my own ashes. Hah! I’ve always loved that analogy. Never knew I’d live it one day.
I experienced two very strong emotions today. And they both made me cry. One of support. I felt supported. In some ways validated. But more importantly, I felt supported by a group of people I trusted to make the right decision. And they did. I felt that embrace. The pings and chats that followed and the sheer affirmation of you are not wrong here. I cried. Because I needed that support for a very long time.
The second emotion was the joy of lighting a bulb in someone’s mind. About a different lens to apply to a repeatable problem. I caught the light in the eye of this person glow when he figured out where I was asking him to go with a certain idea. That click. That joy of multiplying. My thought will live on as his idea, and I know it will give shape to his projects. And I will be there to see it happen. As I have been, all this while. And the joy that it will give me is all mine to keep 🙂 I experienced that joy in a short 18min conversation.
I experience emotions to extremes. Some think that is my weakness. I think it’s my strength. I derive energy from these emotional highs. I am human. I am not a machine. I lose energy if I experience emotionally draining moments. It’s only natural to do so. Why should I be any different just because I play a certain role. I don’t think with emotions. I experience them. I think with my mind, but that does not mean my heart can’t feel. Being emotional and being logical are not mutually exclusive. It’s wrong to make decisions based on emotions. But it’s not wrong to be emotional.
Someday the world will be at ease working with people who think and feel like me. Until then, I am not changing myself. I’ve been confused for a long time. I’ve felt incapable for a long time. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I want to feel my highs and my lows and those who matter understand and those who don’t understand should likely not matter.