Sometimes it takes a while to understand what you want. But it is easier to understand what you don’t want. Distilling decisions down to basic yes and no and leaving no room for maybe, is hard. But it must be done. Once again in the battle of convictions and convenience. Convictions will win. And I am proud to stand by my principles even though the easier option is to comply, and walk the convenient path.
During this pandemic, when time became more precious, I have become sensitive to what I want to do with my time. But more important, what I don’t want to do with my time. And that’s been the biggest blessing for me. I am convinced of who I want to be. I’ve always been. But the noise in this world can distract you. It can tell you who you ought to be. Rather than telling you what you can be and show you the path.
I have very little time to live someone else’s dreams, and lives. I want to be who I know I am when I look into the mirror. These have been some of the darkest moments of my professional life. But I have grown. An it’s not convenient. But I am convinced it’s my path.
When you hear feedback that you don’t relate to. At first you think it’s a blind spot. Next you start second guessing yourself. And slowly you learn that it’s not even a reality. It’s someone’s perception. You can ignore it. But the if your worth is being determined based on perceptions. Then you are getting sucked into the black hole of living up to someone else’s expectations. And you steer away from being your authentic self.
Let’s call that phase an exciting unknown that turned into a scary unknown. It scarred me. But I wouldn’t have know what I don’t want in life, if I had not dabbled with it.
I deeply care about what I build. I hope it lasts. But I care more about my sanity. I am selfish. I choose to be myself. So I can measure up to my expectations. So let’s begin.