hopeless helpless

It happened. I knew it will some day. She did too. But that day is today. She lost her father. The one whose life she has been trying to save, add smiles to, for the last 11 years. Every time I met her I put on a callous mask and asked her my list of tough and thought provoking questions. I asked her to get an offsite to US, I asked her to get married. I asked her to find purpose in her life beyond being of service to a man whose fate was sealed 11 years ago. She told me that I don’t know what it feels like. In 2010, a year after her father’s diagnosis, I lost mine. I told her I know what it feels like. And I also know that she will crash when this saga ends. And it will end for sure.

The saga stretched. I wished an early outcome, for her benefit. She needed to move on with her life. She was losing her years. She lost them one at a time. I did not stop asking my callous questions. She knows I only know tough love. She never batted an eyelid. She was strong. But not the last time I met her. I walked back to my office and cried. She was not the same person. She was defeated. She asked me in defense- “is there only one way to find fulfillment – get married, have kids. Isn’t there another way.” She knew the answer. It is not if there is only one way to find fulfillment. She is looking for fulfillment in the wrong corner. His days were numbered. He was a good man who earned the love and devotion of his family for 11 years. But his date was due. And so he died.

My mother knows what this friend means to me. So she offered to call her and offer her our condolence. I don’t know how to. I don’t know what to tell her. And then, just coz she knows I won’t lie, despite where she is right now, she asks me, “Will this pain ever go away?”. I can lie, but thats not what she wants from me. So I told her it does, but it comes back piercing through when memory strikes.

I will be there by her side. Her virtual wall of strength. A wall that is crumbling under pressure. Could not find another excuse and I shifted my mind to work. Only to see her stream of messages trickling on my phone from the corner of my eyes. And tear rolled down mine since today I feel so helpless. My little D is alone.

So here I am letting it out. Coz that’s all I know.

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