Agam bought me a very pretty Sudoku book. I cannot wait to begin scribbling 🙂 I’ve been playing a few games a day, and my app has decided I can play expert level which I keep failing at. Unfortunately it does not downgrade me to the lower level so I can get some wins and confidence. It prefers that I keep failing at the expert level. Rough love! But I’m up for the challenge. The book was a surprise. It brought me so much joy to see how despite these times he took the time to find a way to surprise me.

I feel like although we are all going through the same pandemic. Each of us are experiencing it in very different ways. And that makes this situation a bit worse. No one knows how personal this situation is for the other person, and yet we are empathizing with each other in the best way we can. Interesting challenge. Although I get really depressed seeing people being unkind to each other. Instead of being thankful for each breathe we are taking, why waste that breathe in contempt?

We swing between extreme exhaustion and sighs of relief on an hourly basis. Everything is being experienced more intensely. There is doubt, fear, disbelief, and gratitude all mixed in. There is also a certain fear of the future. It will never be the same again. But what will it be? Some want to know all the answers. I have switched my perspective. I am emotionally ready to do this for the entire year. I like my home cooked meals and catching up on Tara every hour and our board games, daily wine, and daily walks and family fun time.

I wish situation was a little more stable at work. I am not fulfilled. My friend called is mid career malaise and sent me an insightful article. It was fun to read and realize I am not the only one who seeks fulfillment in my work and fails to find it. Especially given the environment.

But I am seeing some good outcomes. Looks like I stayed long enough for this, at least this time. I was telling a friend that a good program manager is self combustible. You work your way out of your job. I have a strong team. They don’t need me in the same way as they did before. So each day is a little less challenging. Those who I can grow are growing. Those who don’t want to, are doing fine too. As V once said, not everyone wants to be Van Gogh. Some find joy in coloring within the lines. And you cannot make a Van Gogh no matter how much you invest. I loved that analogy. Truth is I am no Van Gogh so I don’t expect anyone to be. But people should always try to be the best version of themselves. They will find joy in that. But joy is also relative. I find joy in creating. Others in maintaining. And some in just floating. Each of us are worthy of our own joy. And if it is not joyful, we should quit. That’s my philosophy anyways.

It’s Friday already! Can’t wait for the weekend! No really 🙂 I have plans. Different plans – but they are plans nevertheless.