Growing little humans

Tara and I spent the morning snuggling in her bed. I told her stories from my childhood. How my Dad used to travel a lot. And I’d look forward to seeing him on weekends. He never worked the weekend. It was not a thing back then. Since the days are all blurred and she saw me work some weekends, there is a new sense of fear in her voice when she asks me, “so are you free this weekend?”. I cringe every time she asks me. I am trying to draw the difference between weekdays and weekends for her, by doing something special on weekends. Today it was snuggling in bed till 9am. Since there was no meeting to get to.

We made French-toast together and plan to take a mid day walk. All to convince her that weekends are still ours to make.

My most significant the epiphanies come through Tara these days. Like yesterday when she and Agam were going for soccer and I kept delaying them since I wanted to finish something I had started. She reminded me that you can always take a break and come back and do it. I cannot do that. For some strange reason. It will be very difficult for me to get into that mode of thinking and I will procrastinate. But she is right, probably I should learn that behavior. It likely will add some fresh perspective to whatever I am doing.

You learn a lot from kids. I often wonder how it would have been if Tara was not in my life. I’d be that “don’t give a fuck about anyone” person that I definitely don’t want to be. Some of us need a Tara to become better beings. I definitely needed her. And I know that she will continue to evolve me. Like the day I was doing spellings with her. It hurt me so much to see her struggle with clove and stove, despite them being so similar. That similarity is known to me. But is a challenge for her. Agam always said that I have very high expectations from people. And my tough love is not for everyone. I understand why my expectations have to vary. Everyone is in their own journey of learning. I can not force them to accelerate. And some will never learn. They just don’t want to. Anyways , with Tara I know she wants to, and my patience is all that she needs, along with a nurturing environment where she can fail and still be loved.

I am glad to have Tara as I deal with this pandemic. She is teaching me so many things. She told me the other day that I cook with my nose and not my hands. She is right. I don’t do measurements and scales. If it smells right, it is right. At least with food I have that relationship. And I am thankful for that.

I realized yesterday that I have this insatiable need to be part of growing something – little human like Tara, our family and it’s needs, my indoor plants, my writing habit, my projects. If I am not growing I get demotivated. Stagnation and repetitive tasks are energy sucking. And that applies to people too. I get demotivated by interacting with people who don’t want to grow. Or don’t understand my need for growth. I guess that’s why we become picky about our circles as we grow.

Anyways – time for a walk.

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