Wild flowers…

It’s true. I only come to write when I am low. So here I am reversing that trend.

A lot happened in the last 10 or so days. Some fun, some intriguing, some loving, and some enlightening. We celebrated Diwali with our little bay area family. I love to see the house bustling with energy and the chillam chilli of the kids šŸ™‚

Three years ago, after we moved to this house, we had a planned a mega Diwali + Housewarming party. But precisely 7 days before the event, Agam broke all possible bones in his left leg, and we had to cancel all the plans. I did not dare plan a mega event after that for three years. Oh well, all wounds heal with time, and we learn to face our fears. Diwali party was fun, and the Diwali pooja was even more fun since Shreya and Shekhu joined us that night and we giggled our way through the artees.

In the last two weeks I went through an accelerated phase of self discovery as I was debating a career choice. The pace of this process was exhilarating. I don’t rush into decision easily. But I felt like I was being put under intense pressure. I opted out of that intensity, took the time to have some productive dialogues with people whose perspective I value, did some soul searching on what do I really want from myself and my career. and finally decided to turn down an opportunity. It was quite promising on paper, but entailed compromises that I don’t want to make at this point in my life. Once again, the people I choose to work with played a big role in my decision. Only time will tell how this will work out for me in the long run. But I am spoilt and it is hard to find what I finally have. And what I was seeking for four years.

Truth is that I am growing. Perhaps more like a wild flower, than a curated rose. Google in that way is a funny place. It allows for quirks like me to exist, and in most ways thrive. Some of us are not meant to be the curated rose in a flower show. We are wild flowers that add color and energy wherever we grow. I am not someone you put up on a pedestal. I am at home amidst chaos. It’s my happy place.

But the best part of these last ten days was my performance review. It was an honest reflection of my efforts. And I appreciated it. I LOVED the fact that I got some really spot on constructive feedback. It is something I observed in myself, and was not very proud of it. But I was going to simply put it behind me. I am glad I got called out for it. Not once, but four times.

I crave honest feedback. And it is so hard to find in this #metoo and politically correct world. I always feel that if people care about your success, they will take the time to tell you what you can improve on. The last time I received a review like this was almost a decade ago. I even wrote a thank you note to my manager after reading my perf. It’s the second time in my career that I have done that. I kid you not, everyone else has been just fluffing it up all this while.

Anyways, I am a happy camper. And I need to learn to keep finding my middle happy path that takes me to this happy camp that I love to hangout at. I sometimes meander, but in the end I am glad I have the sensibilities to find my way back home. šŸ˜€ Sometimes you need to experience the world outside the bubble to appreciate your place in the bubble even more. May this bubble exist for some time, actually a long time šŸ˜›

A rather strange and embarrassing thing happened today. I was in the middle of a few different activities – responding to an IM, listening in to a meeting, and at the subconscious level somehow thinking about Papa. I realized that, when someone asked me something and I almost responded as if I was responding to Papa. I even started off a sentence as, “But Papa…” It was so shocking, and also disturbing. I minced my words and avoided the embarrassment. After the meeting I went for a coffee break and wondered what Papa was doing there in the middle of my work day, appearing in my sub conscious.

I think I know what he was doing. He had come to check in on his wild flower šŸ™‚

1 thought on “Wild flowers…

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