no bueno

I just don’t want to write today. It is hard enough to just live with this ambiguity. If I put it down in words, it will all become real in this moment. And I will have to live with the reality, than to ignore it as a figment of my imagination. Reality is that I had called it an exciting unknown a year ago. It is way too unknown for me and the excitement has turned into anxiety. I am waiting for a verdict. I can choose to ignore it. But I am not strong enough for that. I’d rather take the plunge and see if I float or I drown. If I drown, I will at least know what action to take. If I float, then this anxiety can be put to end.

It is possible for everything to be just right, and yet so broken. And one must choose to smile despite how broken everything is around them. Quoting Frankl yet again, “Decisions, not conditions, determine what a man is.” I decided to choose this uncertainty and I must deal with the conditions it brings. My fear is that one bad decision will lead to another bad decision. I was finally happy where I landed. And I jinxed my own happiness. May be this is mid life crisis. And may be there is some learning in all of this. As of now, it’s a time suck for me and a few others.

This is a system failure and humans are a victim. I can quit the system, but that makes me a coward. I can fight it, but that will hurt me. I can surrender to it, and perhaps that’s what will make me human. And perhaps that’s what the system wants from me too. To Surrender. I am not ready yet. I am taking my time.

I wish I cared less. That will solve this problem.

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