a blissful surrender

This weekend we celebrated our awesome guy! The one who listens to not one, but two crazy girls in the house. He keeps us all sane and calm. And he amuses us with his absent minded-ness, and naive questions. He takes care of us like no one ever will. And he also puts us to sleep, one after the other. 😀 Oh and the best part, he loves us unconditionally. We won’t survive without him. But we never take the time to tell him that 😛

It was Agam’s bday on the 13th, and I managed to surprise him with a chaat party with some friends, yet again. Either I am too good at giving surprises, or he is too naive to get tricked every time. Either case, we had a lovely time celebrating our awesome guy. I baked a gluten free yellow bundt cake, a first in the house. It turned out pretty decent.

On 13th morning I went to the 13th day ceremony for my friend’s mother. It happened to be a day of lots of festivities at the Hindu temple in Sunnyvale. There were a lot of desi aunties dressed up in their ikats, rejoicing in the Jagannath Yatra equivalent of the bay area. It was overwhelming. My Bengali looking face, did not help either. People assume you are there for the festivities and speak to you in Bengali. It’s not the first time that it happened to me. As a close friend once said, if I don’t open my mouth, I can totally pull off as Bengali. Oh well, I was there for a different purpose so I smiled, nodded and went on to my pursuits.

I call the temples in US, Mall of Gods! I know I should not be so sarcastic. But I don’t understand how anyone can find a moment to worship in a place that is so bling, chaotic and almost always noisy. I am very very picky about places of worship. And except for the San Jose Gurudwara, I cannot close my eyes in peace anywhere else. Hmm.. perhaps in our backyard. But you get the point.

The Mall of Gods experience left me quite overwhelmed. I realized how my relationship with God has evolved over the years. I was unable to stay longer because my mind was so confused and exhausted trying to process all that was going on there. After I came home I told Agam that I’d like to change my advanced directives in our will. I want to very clearly specify that I don’t want any mention of a temple or a priest. I’d like to be cremated, and my ashes should be let go in the Pacific ocean on a beach that I will pick. A beach in Kauai will be nice. I don’t want any religious procedures and rituals. And please add a few tulips to my box before putting it in the furnace.

It was a depressing thought to share with him on his birthday. But hey, if we are old enough to go to 13th day ceremonies , then we are old enough to process these facts.

Today morning we went to the San Jose Gurudwara. We usually go around our birthdays, and when my mind is not at ease. Just a short visit before birthday lunch at Rasa, and that was all that was needed. I always feel so much at peace when I kneel down down and my forehead touches the ground. It’s a feeling of surrender. It’s the only time I like to surrender. It is bliss. I had a list of things on my mind that had to be downloaded. But this dainty little thought crossed my mind when I was kneeling in front of the guru granth sahib – “if only I can find peace within, I can shun the chaos around me.”

There is a tornado of thoughts circling my mind these days. Too many strains to untangle. I don’t even know what I want as an outcome. There are a lot of triggers everywhere. I wish I could just take a day off and sit and untangle the mess in my mind. Or just mute the noise. Anyways, I will one day learn to live with these dichotomies. One day I will surrender, and find my bliss.

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