A year older, not wiser

Things I learnt last year

– I am not one of those whose shoulders you can cry on. But while you cry, and take your time, I will make sure you are taken care of. I am able to diagnose where you need help. And keep your world moving while you take the time to get back on your feet. But I won’t be able to cry with you.

– I am capable of asking for help. It makes me feel very vulnerable.

– I don’t respect boundaries. And this has become a double edged sword for me. I must respect the boundaries and determine how much I can stretch them based on the context and people involved. My intentions can be misunderstood and I won’t always have an opportunity to explain.

– I have a lot of blind spots that I can work on. Some I care about, and some I don’t. I don’t think I have a very well defined rubric that determines which I want to work on and which I won’t. Work in progress.

– I create joyful environments. I’d like to create inspiring environments.

– I have a very core need of spending time with myself, in absence of any distraction or another human around me. I am not able to find those pockets of time as much as I’d like. Walks are my only source. There must be more.

– I suffer from impostor syndrome. In my own eyes, I am not good enough for almost everything I do.

– I am not balanced in a lot of spheres of my life. I swing to extremes. My swings are directly related to my comfort with the domain. Once I am comfortable, I can find my neutral. But until that happens, I swing. It’s exhausting.

– I am way more resilient than I was last year. My mind is very strong. My heart is not. I lead with my mind when it comes to situations where I need to be resilient. It drains and exhausts my heart and so it lags behind. I drag it forward. I have begun to experience physical strain when I do that.

– I don’t seek power. I seek influence. I knew that last year too. But what I did not know is that my actions don’t reflect that. It’s one of my blind spots and a massive one. Since it questions my authenticity. Authenticity is one of my most cherished values.

– I spend a lot of my free time working, because I actually enjoy my work. But this is an example of imbalance. This also applies to home – I create work at home, even when the chores of the week have been taken care of.

Next step – a few resolves and a few goals 🙂 but we have a few days to get there.

Tonight I saw fireworks by the waves with a crescent moon shining in the sky, with Agam and Tara by my side. I could not have asked for a better evening.

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