in my shell

There was only one way to turn my day around – spicy fish biryani and cognac. I needed both of them, together, to calm the nerves that had been acting up since morning. I need to stop waking up at 5am. It was dark and depressing and I ended up starting the day on a nostalgic note. 

The trend continued well into the morning, since I ended up going down a memory lane with a long time friend. She reminded me of how Papa used to wait for me outside the classroom after every final exam, and especially board exams. He was always so calm and composed. Standing patiently with his warm and affectionate smile. I knew that he’d welcome me back in his arms, regardless of how my exam went. I didn’t know there were other kids around me who were noticing my simple old man. I feel so fortunate to have had that childhood. 

I am usually very good at switching contexts, but today I was unable to snap out of the memories that she and I untangled.  I should have just gone for a walk and let it all resolve itself. But instead I tried to hustle through it and then crashed mid afternoon. Of course!

I can tell when I am losing it when I take longer to understand simple things. I fail to form coherent sentences without several pauses. So after making a fool out of myself a couple of times, and asking stupid questions, I just gave up, and left work early, and let it all come out on my drive back home. 

Curling up into my shell when going gets tough is my go-to defense mechanism. When god made Cancerians, he/she also gave them a shell. For all that we feel and experience, sometimes need a hard layer above us to protect the warmth within.

I got an hour to my crabby self before Agam and Tara came home. The Biryani and cognac knocked me out of my shell and I gathered enough energy to actually write this up. 

I need to write my thank you notes before Thursday. Let’s do that tomorrow at 5am. Now that’s a better way to start the day 😀

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