Mush talk

Dear Tara,

Last night while we were getting ready for your bed time, Daddy said, “She will be one in two weeks.”

My heart stopped and I calculated the dates and retorted, “No of course not.” I was mad at Daddy for rushing the time. Time that has actually slipped away from our hands every since you arrived. It was just yesterday we used to tell people how old you are in measure of weeks. And soon we will be saying, “She just turned one.”

So what? Of course you are here to grow up. To march on the beat of your own drums. You are not here to be my little fancy. You have a purpose in life. One that you will discover on your own. And your purpose in life is not limited to being my little daughter. Your purpose is bigger than that. Our purpose is bigger than that. And I have to be little less selfish in holding on to the strings.

Sometimes I tell Daddy, “loosen your hold.” I mean it. We weren’t the kids who held on closely to our parents. And you won’t either. We are strong-willed, independent, opinionated and in our own way aggressive progressivists. And even though I wish you weren’t a tiny bit like me. I also know that our personalities and demeanor will influence you. For a child as strong willed as you, I only hope to give you the wings that will help you soar and find your direction. I love it how you don’t look back when you walk ahead of us. You don’t need to. I did not when I boarded the flight to the US. I love it how you get lost in your thoughts, sitting comfy in your stroller, when Daddy and I are chit chatting, walking slowly behind you. You are so engaged with the world at your level, that you don’t even need us for stretches of time. Of course, when you come running to me and say mama mama, I know you need me then and I make myself available to you, no matter how burnt the dinner might end up being that night.

I am following your lead here, Tara. You tell me how much you need me. I won’t hover over you to make sure you don’t fall. But if you fall, I will be there to make you feel better with cuddles and kisses. I won’t hover over you to tell you not to touch something, but if it is hot, I will warn you. I won’t force you to finish your meal. But you will not have a lot of variety to choose from every night. I won’t tell you which games to play, but I will comment if you don’t play fair.

I have noticed that you are becoming more and more aware of your surroundings. You have always been a curious one. But there is a certain interest in your glance that is different. I enjoy observing these little milestones. Of course there are the bigger milestones that people track like walking and talking and others. But for me, those are given. I enjoy noticing the slightest change in the way you hair grow and how your appetite shifts from week to week and how you balance yourself when you walk and the inflection in your babble. How you let me know when you are done eating your omelette, and how you reach for your eyes when you are getting tired and ready to sleep. How you try to talk to me when Daddy switches off the light, and you are cuddled up in my arms, and in that you confirm that you are safe, even though it is dark.

Tara, you are the child I dreamt of raising, even before I conceived you. Stay this way. Ferocious and yet sweet 🙂

love
Mama

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