If wishes were horses..

.. then beggars would ride,
If turnips were swords I’d have one by my side.
If ‘ifs’ and hands were pots and pans
There would be no need for tinkers hands!

It started when I was very young.  I did not like the expenditures involved in lavish weddings. It made me sad to think about all the food that goes waste, all the flowers that get plucked and all the money that is spent on show off, instead of being used for something better. I harbored in my heart – a wish that “I want a very simple Hindu wedding with just my loved ones around to bless me.” Luck favored me and I found Agam. He also did not fancy a traditional Indian wedding that involved too much money and too many people. So we got married in US. A total of ten people (including us) attended our wedding ceremony at the Santa Clara county office and some fifty people attended our wedding reception in a small restaurant in Mountain View. The plan was to go to India in December  and have a small Hindu ceremony with few people , just the ones we all cared about.

Preparations were on, cards were printed, and the first card was also handed out. But he left midway , and my wish remained unfulfilled.  I did want a small Hindu ceremony, but I also wanted my father there with me. He was not there. My closed ones were all there, except for him. And yes, everyone told me he is there, watching from above  and I also told everyone that he is there, blessing us from above. But my wish was not fulfilled. And that is when I learnt – that we cannot have everything we wish for.

I distinctly remember my last conversation with him. He was telling me about the preparations, and I was questioning him why he was spending so much energy  on the event, when neither Agam nor I cared much about it. I wish I had not said those words to him. There are things we wish, and there are things our parents wish for us. It is our duty to find the right balance and fulfil both the wishes. I regret the conversation I had with my Dad. I didn’t know he won’t even live to see me as a married woman.

Lessons are plenty, it all depends on what you choose to learn and what you choose to call destiny. If I could re-do things, I would. But sometimes, there is no second chance.

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