A part of me..

 Every time I went back to India, I observed my parents and they looked different from how I last remembered them. I observed the fine lines that were now becoming prominent, especially along their neck and under their eyes. I noticed how simple things started seeming a little bit complex to them over time. I also observed how my Dad started to avoid driving long distances since the head lights of vehicles coming from the opposite end blinded his vision. I noticed when they visited me that they have started eating less and with less passion. I also noticed how my Dad would rest his eyes and his back after long hours of surfing on the laptop.

I observed all this. I noticed every slight change in them when I visited them year after year. And yet I could not see this coming. I let him simply transition to another world. I am not in denial anymore. I am not in depression either. I am just awestruck at how life goes on. My dad’s Facebook account still exists. And every day, I see him in my friends list, I see him as a common contact between my sister and me, Agam and me, my cousins and me. He is everywhere around me. I have made a “Dad’s corner” for him in our bedroom. It is full of his pictures and I make sure he is surrounded by fresh smell of incense sticks every day. I will also post my Father’s Day and Birthday wishes for him in this corner. I talk to him – I wish him good morning when I get up and I put him to sleep (by switching off the lights in Dad’s corner) every night. I pray for his soul in my daily prayers and I keep looking at his pictures when I miss him. And amidst all this , I continue to live.

I brought his last pair of glasses with me. I want to wear them when I am old. I have kept them in my bedside drawer and I look at them from time to time. My Dad loved his glasses and was always very picky about them. I got that habit from him. He also loved wearing silk scarves in winters. I got that habit as well. My Dad always smiled, no matter what crisis we were in – I try to follow him. He had kept a picture of Agam and me in his wallet. He also kept a gift tag written by me, that I sent him for Father’s Day this year. It read – “See you soon in December – Remember the promise, we will all drink to our happiness together.” My Dad did not drink. EVER! I didn’t adopt that habit. In fact I was going to break his habit this December. But here I am – writing about him as “had/loved/was” – this December. This was going to be our December of fun and festivities and joy. And it will be December still – just that he is not there with us to celebrate it.

Amongst all the things that I miss most – is to call him up and say – “Hi Papa!” I don’t have anyone to say that to any more. And that hurts most. I don’t have any one to call up and tell my day’s details – of my achievements and regrets, my happiness and sorrows, fears and emotions. Only a Dad listens to his daughter’s ramblings. And I don’t have my Dad any more. Selfish I am – indeed.

But I talk to him in my mind, and he answers back too. I am so afraid of losing that voice in my head. But he will live in my actions. And I will never lose his voice because now he is a part of me. 

5 thoughts on “A part of me..

  1. shivam u really made me cry i can understand ur innerfeelings as i am also sailing in the sameboat experiencing same feeling. my innermost is always searching for mummy longing to hear her voice which is no more.still my hands go on the receiver with the feeling she will pick the phone say hello vini beta,kaisi hai.may god bless their souls . we will miss them till we live.vini di


  2. Don't think a lot of people who have not lost someone would completely understand the deep emotion that this post has in it!!!

    I did not cry, was not even close when I was reading this… but what this did to me was strengthen my faith in a few relationships that exist, irrespective of distances, presence, and whatever!

    A lot of us have known your dad for a bit through you, ahd have had huge respects for him. And every-time we would talk/think about/to you, he would be in our thoughts as well!

    Stay strong! God bless!


  3. Im a visitor to my friends profile whos introduced me to your write up..as I always felt a lil bit of life is ticking as the time slips through my aspirations…I realise so many things in so many ways,get touched each time Im close to myself…friends are my life for which Im so lucky to be close to life!!!You light up a part of life…….


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